Lot's Wife

Dear Hearts,

I don’t want to write this post, but feel as though I must.

To mark the occasion.

It won’t be good enough.

I haven’t posted because I don’t want to allow all those messy feelings to the surface. I don’t want to examine them. I have certainly done that in the past.

I just am afraid that if I turn on the spigot—I won’t be able to turn it off.

I WALKED AWAY FROM THE NEW YORK HOUSE TODAY.

I will never go back. Unlike, Lot’s wife I did not look back.

I can’t go back there.

Yes, it’s good. But there are also regrets.

I don’t wanna talk about it. I just need a break from myself. All this emotional intelligence, soul-searching fuckery.

Vulnerable.

Mom asked me if I were okay. I’m quiet.

I don’t know what I am.

Scared. I just want to be alone.

I am moving for real for a real 850 miles away.

I just want to be alone and immersed in drawing, cross stitch, dumb TV.

I can’t look myself in the mirror.

Disconnected.

What do I need or want?

IDK.

I want to hide.

Sad.

I'm so weary...

Smoke ‘em if ya’ got ‘em. God Bless

In the name of The Father, Son, and Holy Spirit; Mother Mary, Saint Brigid; Saint Jude; Saint Therese Lisieux; Saint Peter; Archangel Michael, and my Guardian Angel, Jed.

Grateful For:

Strawberry frozen treats

Health

Family

Angel

Warm Coffee

Cigarettes

Faith

Today was also the first the kids I would have taught are back at school.

"Okay, so who would rather be sleeping?" I'd ask,

Several moans and a few hand raises.

"Me, too. But this is where we are and we are in it together. The good news is only 179 days to go!"

"My rules common sense: you respect me and I respect you..."

Then I would read through six pages of rules that I had to lay out to cover my ass.