I Choose Life

Dear House,

You won’t beat me. I won’t let you. The bullies tried. Bosses tried. Nan tried. Boyfriends and husbands tried. Kids tried.

You are an abuser.

“Middle fingers up

Put them hands high

Wave it in his face

Tell ‘em boy bye

Tell ‘em boy bye

Boy Bye

Middle fingers up

I ain’t thinkin’ bout you.” Beyonce

You are no different than Arthur or T.

When I divorced Arthur there were parts of him—albeit those parts were memories—that I loved. When I left T.—was it love? I dunno.

But I gave up good, more bad than good, but still things.

You are my prison and my albatross. What did I do to deserve the albatross?

When I am with you alone, you close in on me. You get me in your grip and don’t let go. You fuel my OCD and you fill my heart and head with evil thoughts. You taunt me. You don’t respect me.

Yeah, I love the cedar shelves Arthur painted and built in the house and the cedar walk in closets. I love the Spring Room. I will miss my Spring and the view—the lilacs, daffodils, and juniper. I will always mourn you, in the same way, I will always mourn Arthur.

But, I am not going to let you control me anymore. I cried, bled, sweated, and cracked for you.

You make me crawl on the floor to reach my Xanax because a sudden and severe episode hits me. Xanax and scissors—you make me think bad things when I look at them.

I have exorcised you. I have purified and blessed you. Yeah, you are big and I love that I can have all my precious things spread out. I love that the moon shines in the bedroom window. I love you. But, if I stay, you will kill me as sure as if I’d stayed with Arthur or T.

Ya’ know when I thinking about killing myself—I only thinking of doing with you. Not any other place.

You have seen me at my worse and you didn’t give a fuck. You are not my home. Maybe you never have been. I mourn your loss. But I am done with you, motherfucker. You want to me to suffer as you have. You want to take me down.

Hold On Lyrics-Wilson Phillips

“I know there's pain
Why do lock yourself up in these chains?”

Because I have been in abusive relationships all my fucking life.

“No one can change your life except for you
Don't ever let anyone step all over you
Just open your heart and your mind
Is it really fair to feel this way inside?”

God can help me change my life. I am done with people stepping on me. No, it’s not fair that I am Clinically Depressed. But, I get that life ain’t fair. But, I don’t need to make it more unfair.

“Someday somebody's gonna make you want to
Turn around and say goodbye”

Yeah, you did that, Bitch.

“Until then baby are you going to let them
Hold you down and make you cry”

I have been, yeah. Even room in that house can remind of terror, horror, and fear. Yeah, we had some good times. But not enough to balance out the bad.

“Don't you know?
Don't you know things can change
Things'll go your way
If you hold on for one more day
Can you hold on for one more day
Things'll go your way
Hold on for one more day”

I am tryin’ so hard. I promised God, Christ, Mother Mary. From this Easter to next I will not kill myself.

“You could sustain
Or are you comfortable with the pain?”

Actually, I am comfortable with the pain to an extent. Because when you are depressed and in pain you can fall much farther down. You can’t be any more disappointed.

“You've got no one to blame for your unhappiness
You got yourself into your own mess”

Fuck you. I made choices—but I am not the only guilty party here, Bitch.

“Lettin' your worries pass you by
Don't you think it's worth your time
To change your mind?”

I hope so. I’m tryin’

“I know that there is pain
But you hold on for one more day and
Break free the chains
Yeah I know that there is pain
But you hold on for one more day and you
Break free, break from the chains”

I am holding on and I ain’t just gonna break those chains—I am gonna motherfucking destroy them.

“Can you hold on
Hold on baby
Won't you tell me now
Hold on for one more day 'Cause
It's gonna go your way”

God, St. Jude, Christ, Mother Mary, all my Saints, and Jed-yes, I will. I will hold up my end of the bargain.

“Don't you know things can change
Things'll go your way
If you hold on for one more day
Can't you change it this time”

Fuck yes, I can change it this time.

“Make up your mind
Hold on
Hold on
Baby hold on”

I choose LIFE motherfucker.

Smoke ‘em if ya’ got ‘em. God Bless

In the name of The Father, Son, and Holy Spirit; Mother Mary, Saint Brigid; Saint Jude; Saint Therese Lisieux; Saint Peter; Archangel Michael, and my Guardian Angel, Jed.

PS: Badness in Life—Fuck you! Middle fingers up! Kiss my ass on the crack.

PPS: You wanna mess with my cat? Oh, fuck no. That never worked out well for anyone. You can come after me--but when you come after my cat...I am a good shot. 

Grateful For:

Afternoon movie with Dad

Angel getting better, I hope

Fried fucking ice cream!

Faith

Health

Family

Laughter