Shhh...I Have A Secret-UPDATED

Dear Hearts,

Shhh. I have a secret.

I am packing like I am supposed to and everything and even throwing things out! I am not a hoarder, but I have hoarding tendencies. I always have—since I can remember. I just didn’t know why I could throw away my old school notebooks at the end of the year. Or why I felt compelled to save a piece of everything.

But Mom and Dad have been helping me pack. We are doing good, I guess. So says Mom and Gaia.

But, as I walk through this house…I got into my Faerie, Tea, Barbie Fun, Guest, School Rooms…I see the nooks and crannies of a house added onto. I look at all closet space and the beautiful built in shelving. I look at my favorite trees and mountains. I feel sorrow, loss…

Even though I must and it’s what is best for me, I don’t know to leave this house.

I will not lie to myself. That has fucked up in the past. For better or worse I lived my adult life in this house that has character. I made it my own. I will miss it. I mourn it.

But, if I have to keep the levies strong, because those levies are the only things standing between me and mind, soul, spirit, and physical collapse. Once those levies break…there will be no stopping the deluge.

I am so afraid.

Packing up my life and choosing the parts to come with me or to "put away" is not easy or fun or freeing. Parting myself from that which had become synonomous with my life...

Yeah, yeah, a new life. But, other than not being a teacher and being abused--I don't have any fucking idea what that life looks like.

I am so scared

God?

Smoke ‘em if ya’ got ‘em. God Bless

In the name of The Father, Son, and Holy Spirit; Mother Mary, Saint Brigid; Saint Jude; Saint Therese Lisieux; Saint Peter; Archangel Michael, and my Guardian Angel, Jed.

Grateful For:

Faith

Family

Health

Angel

Muffins

Drawing

Cigarettes

UPDATE: (During this crucible I will be writing shorter posts and randomly updating)

The levies are cracking. I had a bad episode today. Me crawling on the floor to my bedroom for Xanax. I opened this box that had little Barbie things in it from my childhood. Mom helped me clean out my “secret closet” yesterday. Pop made me Barbie house from an old steamer trunk and in the closet I had all these things from my childhood. It was just a box with little Barbie accessories. But it stopped me. It just stopped me. I can’t prioritize what to bring with me and what to pack away. I am putting pieces of myself away and I know that’s in part good. But I don’t know how to decide which precious Hallmark ornaments go with me. I have PTSD flashes in the house…but like Arthur when I filed for divorce, I still loved him. This house could have been so much. My life could have been so much.

For the first time ever in my life my appetite is affected. I forced myself to eat chicken and some dried, soggy green beans. I couldn’t eat the brown rice. I wanted to eat wasa bread and butter instead. I want comfort food. Not healthy food. I could just go without eating. Buffalo balls don’t even sound good. I just want yogurt smoothies, muffins, and ice cream. And I am back to taking pepto every day. Thank you GOD for making my colitis okay.

This house is sucking me back in. but I have to do this. I have to. It’s got to get done.

I just wanted dad to tell me I’m doing the right things. But he went on about how I didn’t have a choice and money and…I want to know I am doing the right thing.

I have faith.

But this voice keeps whispering “I can’t do this I can’t do this I can’t do this.”

Is it gonna be worth it?

I promised I wouldn’t take my own life between now and next Easter.

The thought hasn’t occurred to me in a while. But it sounds pretty good now.

I am taking Xanax to just function through the day.

I want to scream and wail. But if I start I won’t be able to stop.

What am I giving up? This huge house for a small home in The Holy City…I’ve lived half my life. Good fucking job.

I coulda been a contender.

I’m gonna miss this house.

But I can’t. I gotta do all this in a month cause I got obligations at burning bed. And if I don’t fulfill those volunteer obligations maybe they won’t hire me. Do I give a fuck?

Taking my own life would be a selfish act at this time for these reasons. I won’t. I swore to God and Mother Mary.

God, Christ, Holy Spirit, Mother Mary guide me…I beg of you.