Dear Hearts,
The Saga of Faith continues…
After I wrote what I posted last night a man, who had taken a hardline, said that we are all imperfect and it’s okay. That you can be a good Catholic and imperfect.
I responded:
Thank you so much. You brought tears to my eyes. After I wrote my reply I took and shower and asked myself, “Could I walk away from Christ, Mother Mary, Catholicism?” “No. I believe.” The Bible studies I have done about Mother Mary and the Sacraments in the Scripture—I am inspired and blown away! I am like, “OMG! This is common knowledge in the Catholic Church! This makes so much sense!”
I felt at Home in St. Mary’s.
It’s okay to be imperfect. Thank you for reminding me of that. I will continue my journey imperfectly. But, I have Faith. I do.
I never took a proper RCIA class—it’s complicated—but thank you for the information about being able to worship God anywhere. I am in a very non-Catholic area. There aren’t a lot of choices.
I know my beloved Sister-in-Law is not in Hell. I just was so angry for her…she went to confession and spilled everything to this priest and he zeroed in on her “adultery” and “fornication.” I understand that canonically he was right. But she needed the love of God that day she confessed and was suicidal—she did not need to be reprimanded.
(I was not going to put this part online—because my FB page is attached to this media site—but it wasn’t my beloved Sister-in-Law to whom the priest spoke—it was me.
I was begging for mercy, help, compassion and he called me out on those two sins. I was married in the Catholic Church, so my marriage wasn’t even recognized by the Church. I made sure the divorce was FINAL before I did any dating.)
I am really going to think about all you wrote especially regarding priests—separating the human from the “in persona Christi.”
God Bless you and thank you.
Today a guy told me “suck it up cupcake.” The Church basically knew what was good for me even if I didn’t.
This is my response to him:
“Too bad cupcake?” “while [I’m] at it take anger and self-righteousness down a notch?” “Think about my [ego]? “
Don’t fucking call me cupcake or patronize me.
Where I am in Illinois Catholic Churches do not abound. I understand that Catholicism has objective truths.
That is the issue—the objective truths as I understand them in Catholicism—are not what these priests, with whom I have issue, are saying. The Catholicism I learned in NY State and in Catholic Bible studies is not what I am hearing in this diocese.
Making light of the dead and saying that one can only worship God inside the Church—not in the Catechism. A priest telling my suicidal sister-in-law that she is an adulterer and fornicator and not even talking to her about her God’s Mercy—not in the Catechism. (Again—really me).
I have post grad degrees too, Christopher. Suma Cum Laude. If you want to play it that way.
Do not assume the whole Protestant card with me. I know full well the differences between Protestantism and Catholicism. The Church is here to guide me—but also show love, mercy, compassion, and forgiveness. I am not looking for some New Age Love and Everything is oOkay and Good attitude.
I also know God’s law is different than Man’s will. My grandfather couldn’t eat any meat on Friday. Now fish is allowed on Fridays.
I had a very sincere and open dialogue with P.—who also answered my question. See my reply there for details.
I will keep on with my journey with Christ, Mother Mary, St. Jude, and many others. I believe every word of the Nicene and Apostles’Creedd. I understand apostolic succession. I am a sinner. I am so far from perfect. I screw up all the time. I need Christ and God. Without them I am nothing. But, the purpose of the church is love and inclusion, not reprimanding and hand slapping.
Of course, this reply comes off angry and full of ego.
What can I say? You lost me at “cupcake.”
I guess what I am having is a crisis of Faith. I really thought about it last night. Like what if I just went back to being Pagan.
I can’t.
Holy fuck. I can’t
I believe in Catholicism—or most of it anyway. Maybe I just have to resign myself to going off the reservation with Catholicism. My father is deeply flawed and a deeply devout Christian. Not Catholic. He doesn’t go to Church.
I am doing the same thing I have done with most of my life—trying to follow all the rules and seek external validation.
“Hey, Kate? How’d that work out for ya’ in the past?”
“It didn’t work out at all.”
“Do I need to state the obvious?”
“No.”
I believe feel at home in Catholicism. I don’t agree with all of it. But, the important fundamental non-political stuff I believe in.
I don’t need a Church to be Catholic. I don’t need (allow I like) confession or even the Eucharist (Catechism would disagree) to be Catholic.
Maybe this is a “test” of sorts? No, I don’t believe God purposely tests us. But Martha told me that in a Chicago parish, she heard the priest pray for Pope Benedict XVI to become a real Christian! Catholicism is a bit fucked up out here, man!
Maybe what I can get out of this is—Kate, you stupid, loveable bitch, you don’t gotta follow all the rules to be good enough. Just follow your heart. Fuck the rules.
I just gotta figure out what My Heart is saying and what The Rules are saying.
After my divorce and T. I lost faith in my judgment. I lost Faith in myself. Perhaps, I need to work on rekindling that Faith. Perhaps, Faith in Myself is Faith in God?
*******
I did it! I screwed up the courage to ask G-Pa about the shelf in the living room next to Gram’s computer. He was fine with it. I think. I think he heard me. He has a new hearing that like actually works—it’s fucking unbelievable—but he says he doesn’t need a hearing aid to hear me. J
It still feels weird to be moving Gram’s things around. I ask my Aunt, Mom, and G-Pa. It is Aunt Faerie’s Childhood Home. I’m not just gonna change stuff and not let her know. I just want my bedroom to look more like…I am here to stay…than I am just squatting.
It is good to be back here.
I still have all my anxieties and such. I had a two hour functional shaking episode the other night. I just shook, spasmed (the spelling of this word is impossible!), and twitched for like two hours before I went to bed.
But, here, I feel away from all that other shit that tries to push me under water in the water.
I used to make $65,000 a year. I lived okay. Managed the bills, bought stuff, didn’t save much, but to be fair I was also paying alimony and other legal fees then. But, I hated my job. I had a respectable job and I appeared to function in society. I owned and lived in my own home.
Today, I am going to meet G-Pa and Dr. Swede at the Café for more pie and the best iced coffee in the world!
I am now on disability and Medicare. I eat and live due the generosity of my family. I don’t buy stuff like I used to. Okay…okay…but that skirt was nice, Mom! And, that Kindle book was only two bucks! I am unemployed. Although, I do try to take care of G-Pa the best I can. If he wants ice cream for dinner—have at it! I trick people into thinking I am functional—if only they saw me during an episode! I have a room of my own and a smoking nook in the basement.
When I made the 65 grand, I couldn’t eat pie or drink iced-coffee because of my colitis.
Which is better?
This. Here. Now. Even with the PTSD, Clinical Depression, OCD, and Anxiety…now is better. I had those same feelings when I was working—I just bought stuff to try show those feelings out of my life. At least I am being honest with myself now.
Angel is giving little kitty snores!
Right now I an anxious, scared, twitchy…but I have options? Or so says Dad.
Stay tuned for Part II tomorrow. This bad New Yorker driver is done for the day.
Smoke ‘em if ya’ got ‘em. God Bless
In the name of The Father, Son, and Holy Spirit; Mother Mary, Saint Brigid; Saint Jude; Saint Therese Lisieux; Saint Peter; Archangel Michael, and my Guardian Angel, Jed.
Grateful For:
Pie
Mom
Health
Aunt Faerie
Faith
Hope?
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