so tired

Dear Hearts,

I am so tired.

Until I blogged the other night, I didn’t realize all of that was inside me. God, typing this is an effort. But it is.

I felt like I was losing it last night. I just wanted to die. I was looking at hospitals, but all the good ones don’t take Medicare. They take private insurance (what I used to have) or credit.

Why a hospital? To get a break. To just get away from life. The decisions, the effort, the…I couldn’t fake it anymore.

I didn’t trust myself fully last night. But, I awoke with Angel and I know that no hospital is going to give me what I really need. Not even intensive therapy. This is shit I have to work out myself. It is a disease—the Devil?—deep inside me and no one is going to therapy it out for me.

I totally fucked up Mom and Dad. I called them today. I promised God that I would not take my own life—even if I wanted to—I would reach out for help.

People in this world are fighting to stay alive and last night I just wanted to go away. “What dreams may come…” Can they be worse than this feeling of desolation?

Dad was ready to jump in the car and come get me. He still may have to do that. I don’t know. We’ll see how the next few days ago. I am obligated to Burning Bed. And I don’t want to piss them off because I want a job with them if I am gonna live here, yada, yada.

I picture this “bleak” future here, because at least it is a future. I can’t see any future. But, I don’t want to be Lot’s wife.

Dr. Swede—he pushed the darkness, the overwhelming urge to die away—told me I was in the desert. But, like Moses, I will come to an oasis soon.

“I am a failure.”

“You are made in the image and likeness of God and nobody can touch that,” said Dr. Swede.

God, Christ, Mother Mary I want to receive your Grace and Mercy. Please. I can’t be in this desert much longer…

Smoke ‘em if ya’ got ‘em. God Bless

In the name of The Father, Son, and Holy Spirit; Mother Mary, Saint Brigid; Saint Jude; Saint Therese Lisieux; Saint Peter; Archangel Michael, and my Guardian Angel, Jed.

PS: I AM JUST SO FUCKING SORRY THAT I AM SUCH A FUCKING BURDEN ON THOSE GOOD PEOPLE I LOVE .

Grateful For:

Pie

Health

Family

UC remission

Angel

A Room of One’s Own

Dr. Swede.

Mom

Dad

CONTINUED

Mickey, Jersey Cousin, I am okay. This is not the first time I’ve been down this road.

Mickey, a nurse, said that it must suck to emotionally suffer every day. I’ve gotten used to it. I was in plateau depression, now I am in a valley.

“Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I shall fear no evil…”