Be Not Afraid-UPDATE 7.49 P.M. ET

Dear Hearts,

Matthew 17: 1-8 KJV

17 And after six days Jesus taketh Peter, James, and John his brother, and bringeth them up into an high mountain apart,

² And was transfigured before them: and his face did shine as the sun, and his raiment was white as the light.

³ And, behold, there appeared unto them Moses and Elias talking with him.

⁴ Then answered Peter, and said unto Jesus, Lord, it is good for us to be here: if thou wilt, let us make here three tabernacles; one for thee, and one for Moses, and one for Elias.

⁵ While he yet spake, behold, a bright cloud overshadowed them: and behold a voice out of the cloud, which said, This is my beloved Son, in whom I am well pleased; hear ye him.

⁶ And when the disciples heard it, they fell on their face, and were sore afraid.

⁷ And Jesus came and touched them, and said, Arise, and be not afraid.

⁸ And when they had lifted up their eyes, they saw no man, save Jesus only.

I attended Mass at my The Church in my Home Town yesterday. Mass was celebrating the transfiguration of Christ.

Yes, God was saying Christ is the new Moses, Elias prophesized Christ, Christ is more as good as these two Old Testament Super Stars. In fact, Christ is more important because he is the direct Son of God.

Do you know what Father focused in on?

“…Be not afraid.”

Thank God for East Coast Catholicism.

There was no hellfire and brimstone. There were no lectures on how you are closest to Christ at the Tabernacle. There were no “You’d better be good!”

Do not be afraid. That is Christ’s message to us. Do not be afraid.

I am afraid all the fucking time. If asked, I think I would say this is my favorite Bible verse, “Be not afraid.”

I have been doing a lot of thinking about what my Heart tells me and what the Catechism says. Cause guess what? They don’t also match up.

I think—and this is not some End-All-Be-All answer—but I think our purpose is to find peace. To return to Eden before the Fall. Angel does not do anything, even scratching Mom’s new rug, in malice. She doesn’t hold grudges. She didn’t puke on the right side of the bed this morning to punish me. Wolves do not take down deer to show their ball size. Bears don’t attack because they want to make you suffer.

We had perfect Peace, Trust, and Faith in Eden before the Fall.

(Yes, I recognize the metaphor. I am a full believer in evolution. Except for the platypus. What the fuck?)

Eating from the Tree of Knowledge gave Man the ability to know right from wrong. The ability to choose good or evil.

When am I at Peace? As I fall asleep with my stuffies and Angel and listening to a narrated book of the Bible in my ear bud. I am at Peace when I have that first cup of coffee and cigarette in the afternoon. Adam and Eve probably didn’t smoke or drink coffee…

But the common denominator is that my fucked-up mind is not racing and I am quiet inside. I am in harmony with myself and my surroundings.

If we are at Peace with ourselves, then are we not at Peace with God? Through Him, With Him, and In Him.

Through God we exist, With Christ we walk, and In the Holy Spirit we find our “aliveness.”

So, that’s what I am gonna tell myself is the point for now. Getting back to Peace.

Dad gave me the money to buy my frozen yogurt treat last night. As I ate it watching Ray Donovan, I had pleasure, but not Peace per se. Hey, I am not underestimating that strawberry frozen yogurt with mini white-chocolate kisses and coconut shavings.

And, there ain’t nothing wrong with pleasure.

But, Peace…perfect Peace, Faith, and Trust—no fear.

That’s what my purpose is. To get back there. No. Change that. To have moments of it.

 I ran yesterday all the way from the House to the Bridge where I had my first kiss—seriously, I was slimed. As I was running back I was thinking about how I have never, at least in 30 years, felt good enough. I never will feel good enough unless I Receive the Grace of The Father, Son, and Holy Spirit.

Flipping the guy off yesterday on my way to Mass—a product of the Fall. That’s why Christ came to us—to take away our fears.

But, fuck no, take it from me, letting go of fear is no small feat. The Thief wants you to hold onto that fear good and tight.

“But as it is written, Eye hath not seen, nor ear heard, neither have entered into the heart of man, the things which God hath prepared for them that love him.” 1 Corinthians 2:9

Faith: believing in something for which there is no scientific proof.

Carl Sagan’s Contact movie:

Palmer believes in God, Ellie does not at this time.

“Palmer Joss: Did you love your father?
Ellie Arroway: What?
Palmer Joss: Your dad. Did you love him?
Ellie Arroway: Yes, very much.
Palmer Joss: Prove it.”

I am afraid. I am trying to take comfort in the palm of God’s hand, but it’s not easy.

Maybe God does have something greater planned for me than this. I worked in a job that I hated until I literally become physically unable to do the job. I was in an abusive marriage. I have fought to come back…I wanted to…but didn’t OD again.

Don’t get me wrong—I not all happy and care-free. I am cock-sucking terrified of when the day to leave the House is here and I can become an Illinois resident.

But, I am working on the Hope—“a thing with feathers” part.

After my divorce, I got a tattoo of a dragonfly surrounded by seven stars. Now, I am going to get a Wolf. The shimmery part of me is still there…where…I don’t know…but so is the part of me that howls and will “live and die on this day.”

Smoke ‘em if ya’ got ‘em. God Bless

In the name of The Father, Son, and Holy Spirit; Mother Mary, Saint Brigid; Saint Jude; Saint Therese Lisieux; Saint Peter; Archangel Michael, and my Guardian Angel, Jed.

Grateful For:

Frozen yogurt treats

Mom home

Buffalo Balls

Faith

Health

Family

So many blessings.

UPDATE:

The waves of sorrow just pass over me and the rip-tide threatens to pull me under. I can go from feeling good to feeling like a loser. A failure. I am so motherfucking proud of Gaia. But, she's the writer, not me. I was supposed to be the writer. I'm not jealous of her success--I love her and want success for her. I'm the one who failed. I had my chances and I didn't take the risks. Failure.

I just want Peace in my head. I want to feel not like a failure. Ony I can do that. Fucking conundrum.

The rip-tide is fucking strong tonight. It's got at least part of me. Just gotta keep my head above...