The Path...

Dear Hearts,

I don’t know what the purpose of life is.

Oooh, big surprise there.

If I knew the purpose of life, I’d be, well, probably not writing this blog and a billionaire.

“You will make known to me the path of life; In Your presence is fullness of joy; In Your right hand there are pleasures forever.” Psalms 16:11

Pleasures. What are pleasures? Frozen strawberry yogurt. Chilled coffee. A good TV show. A snuggle with your cat. Seeing a bear eat your garbage like he don’t care.

Crisis has occupied my mind for so long. At least since Gram died in March 2012 that I don’t know what will occupy my thoughts when this is all over. What will my life be?

I really will be living in the Mid-West. I really will be done with all that I’d planned on The EC.

God doesn’t need us to worship Him. He is infinite. We need to worship Him for ourselves. We--who are tied to our Kindles, iPhones, TV shows, chocolate cake, work schedules—we need to touch the Infinite.

We came from nature. We are predators. Mark Twain was right about the confines and chains of society. A group of people beating up on a guy because he asked them to not smoke pot on a train? We aren’t civilized. We just pretend to be. Wolves, bear, buffalo…there is something of our Primal Souls there that speaks to us. That was the real sin in Eden—eating from the Tree of Knowledge—knowing the difference between right and wrong. Wolves, dogs, cats, bears—they live. They don’t do “good” and “bad” things. They just live.

I am sure they have joys.

I think if anything that is the point—God wants us to have joy.

Not joy—like ooh, I got a Fendi bag! But, joy like I feel the Holy Spirit in me when I look at the moon.

Gaia and Johnny last night sang at The Café. They were fucking awesome. I dressed up to the nines in my LBD, three inch heels, and even did the dramatic eyeliner sweep.

I love Gaia and Johnny so much. I see the love between them. It is a palpable substance. I AM so joyful for them.

But I am also an awful, selfish, fucking cunt.

Because watching them hurts me. I want to cry. I want that—I want to be loved like that.

I feel like God has steered me toward everything I didn’t plan for in life—maybe I will be alone and I’ll have to come to peace with that.

Maddie had an emergency today—Mom and Dad’s $17,000 dog with Addison’s and Lar Par—and was puking. I called Dad who raced home from Jersey and then we raced to the vet where I described Maddie’s puke (it’s consistency and smell) repeatedly. It had to be on my watch.

But she is okay. Thank you Saint Francis. I held her paw and said a prayer to Saint Francis and the Lord’s Prayer. THANK YOU GOD.

What will my life be when all the crisis is over? I’ll just live…and maybe be at peace or content? Huh. That might be a great pleasure.

Smoke ‘em if ya’ got ‘em. God Bless

In the name of The Father, Son, and Holy Spirit; Mother Mary, Saint Brigid; Saint Jude; Saint Therese Lisieux; Saint Peter; Archangel Michael, and my Guardian Angel, Jed.

PS: My pleasure now is chilled coffee, reading, and a couple of cigarettes. Of course, a prayer first.

Grateful For:

Maddie being okay

Faith

Health

Mom’s brownies

Angel pooping

Home

Love

MAY BE GOD HAS REVEALED MY PATH--IT'S BIG AND WIDE AND NOT WHAT I EXPECTED.