Dear Hearts,
Nothing. I have not done one thing of worth today and is 3.44 p.m. Oh, I’ve felt guilty…but there’s never a day I don’t feel guilty or bad about myself.
Yesterday two things: The Shrink and Gaia and Johnny kidnapped me for dinner.
The 2017 August 21st, Total Eclipse of the Sun of a swath of North America is over. I am kind of glad—now, I don’t have to hear about it anymore.
We were nowhere near the path of totality and I since I’ve known this fact for a long time, I easily resigned myself to not seeing the event. We didn’t have glasses. Mom, Dad, and I watched it on TV and outside with index cards and holes for light—old school.
I feel like I should have felt this amazing connection with God or the Universe with such an event. As a Pagan, I would have done a ritual and such as I did when I was Pagan. I ran. I prayed. I had my hour coffee and cigarette time. What is eclipsing my life right now is the NY House. That house totally eclipses everything in my path.
On the 20th of every month, I pay bills. I cannot pay my mortgage this month. I can’t I am over $500 short. So I have two options: ask Mom and Dad for help or just go into Foreclosure. The bank is taking its sweet time in deciding whether or not to accept a “Deed in Lieu,” meaning I give them the house back and walk away. A Foreclosure is a whole process that is more expensive and bothersome for them. And for me, going into Foreclosure is irresponsible. But wasn’t also irresponsible for me to buy a $100 Barbie—I got a thirty dollar discount? There are only 1,000 made of her and I did get her. She is beautiful.
Mom and Dad both gave me the okay to get her. They are subsidizing me, so I ask before any purchases. I have offered them full access to my bank and credit card accounts.
Since I was 24 and living with Arthur for the first time I have paid rent or a mortgage. I have NEVER come up short on bills until down. It’s denigrating and humiliating. The cost of the Barbie wouldn’t have made a difference anyway. And, I will give up buying everything (except cigarettes and e-cigarettes) so that I can still nominally collect Barbie.
If it is God’s Will for me to find real Love—the man is gonna get over 400 Barbies as part of the deal. Well, he won’t get them. But they come with me. They are a package deal.
The day I paid bills, I went to Dad and told him. He said it would all be okay. Mom and her friend were driving back from a few days vacation at the Saratoga Track. I wasn’t going to slam Mom with the whole money thing while her friend was here. I started to have an episode—so I took a run. Wow! That’s healthy! I did end up taking Xanax later.
But when I went out the door at some point that evening feeling beaten, I found a little gray feather. Saint Therese talks to me through feathers. It’s the little things that she helps me appreciate. Maybe, she was telling me that this mortgage/money situation, in the grand tapestry, is a little thing.
I give myself up to God.
“Jacob was left alone, and wrestled with him till daybreak.” Genesis 34:24
Jacob had to give up all that he wanted and surrender to God’s Will. I am trying. I tell Christ on my runs—“I give myself and all that I want up to you. Thy Will be done. I will follow you on the path of righteousness for you Namesake.”
If God wants me to be alone the rest of my life. I will accept that. If I am to be on disability for the rest of my life and never really work again—I will accept that. If I am to forever have my Episodes and Clinical Depression, I accept that. I will follow His Will. But, God speaks through our hearts, which a murky, risky plan at best. Stone tablets can’t be misinterpreted—Hearts can be so easily.
All my plans, dreams…Fuck. I don’t even know what I want.
That’s why when Shrink got on me yesterday about smoking and not liking myself I got pissed. Dad was in on the session and Dad said that Shrink sees the progress I’ve made and is pushing me.
Shrink doesn’t want me to stop at the Rest Area Starbucks—he wants me to keep traveling.
Fuck you.
I haven’t liked myself since I was 13 years old. You think that’s gonna change? No, I can’t “love” myself. I tolerate myself.
Dr. Swede: I was made in the image and likeness of God and nothing can change that.
Shit, I hope God doesn’t like me. We are all fucked.
**********
Dear Shrink,
I keep you even though I live 900 miles away because you know me.
You support my disability and you know hospitalization is not right for me. I trust you.
But you also told me to get ECT. You told me to date T.
Got Mistake?
No one is going to fucking misinterpret my wolf tattoo for a tattoo the Nazis or communists used during their reign. The two are totally unrelated. I am getting a wolf tattoo as a covenant with myself to not give up. Fight until the death. Yeah, I may have CD and Episodes for the rest of my life, but I won’t let them beat me.
Yeah, I smoke four cigarettes a day. Not gonna fucking change. You cannot tell me that is the same as smoking half a pack a day. You drink tequila. What are those health benefits?
You pissed me off yesterday. Leave me the fuck alone about my cigarettes. No guy is gonna tell me it’s a deal breaker. I’ve had those controlling jag-offs in my past and I ain’t getting another.
“Hi, Kate. I would love to date and get to know you, but you have to stop smoking now.”
“Kate, I will marry you only if you stop smoking.”
Ultimatums don’t fucking work. And, no man is going to give me an ultimatum. T picked alcohol over me. Arthur picked his psychosis over me. You don’t give ultimatums to someone you love.
No, I know it’s not healthy for me, but right now I am not even thinking about giving up smoking and I have so much fucking guilt that I am not going to add that to the list.
I am so glad you love yourself, Dr. Shrink.
I can’t force love. I can’t make me love myself any more than I could make T give up alcohol.
So, bite me, asshole.
No, I should not have sold the $700 table on Craigslist. I threw that motherfucker away.
Yes, you came literally from behind the Iron Curtain. Your grandparents suffered at in the Camps. I can’t help that. I admire you and your family for all that. But, what am I supposed to do with that? Children in Syria are dying right now and I am blessed with so much. What’s your point?
That can’t make me like myself more.
Whatever’s yesterday’s bullshit session was sucked. My Dad may have liked it—and I’m glad because that means I will not think of writing you off, but I am fucking trying, you motherfucker! So get the fuck off my fucking back!
More than anything—quitting smoking, money, anything—I want to not hate myself. But it just isn’t that easy. Or if it is, then I am fucking failing at it.
I gave up once. I tried to die. Mother Mary threw me back. I know. You have no Faith. I accept and respect that. But, I do.
I needed the Shrink who met me at the hospital the first time I committed myself and let me keep my rosary, germ gel, and purple bear. I needed the Shrink who had my back—not that confrontational asshole yesterday.
You hurt me, Shrink. You hurt me.
Sincerely, Kate
**********
Gaia and Johnny took me to a Japanese restaurant for dinner. Pad Thai in that restaurant is not like any Pad Thai I have had anywhere before. Pad Thai is not supposed to be spicy!
Even though I have spent all day “recovering” from my night out, I am so grateful to you, Gaia that you “made” me come out with you—and paid for me! The love I see between you and Johnny. I want that someday. That’s all I’ve wanted.
I try so hard to do…the right thing…what I want…what God wants…
Monday night, Gaia and Johnny came over for dinner and saw me in a bad Episode. It was in my head.
CRISIS! CRISIS! FLEE! FLEE! NOW! I CANNOT HANDLE LIFE. I CANNOT HANDLE LEAVING THIS HOUSE. CRISIS! DANGER! DANGER!
When that is in your head, you can’t fight it—you have to go with it like the Riptide. But, I came down for dinner that night. I didn’t eat and I sat hugging my knees, but I came down for dinner. I didn’t talk. But, I came down for dinner.
I just gotta keep coming down for dinner and consider that a victory some days.
I am gonna run a mile and a half and then have my coffee and cigarettes.
HOOOOOOOOOOOWWWWWWWWWWLLLLLLLLLLL!
MOTHER FUCKERS! BITCHES!
Smoke ‘em if ya’ got ‘em. God Bless
In the name of The Father, Son, and Holy Spirit; Mother Mary, Saint Brigid; Saint Jude; Saint Therese Lisieux; Saint Peter; Archangel Michael, and my Guardian Angel, Jed.
PS: If I were blessed enough to experience a Total Solar Eclipse, I would want to be at the Medicine Wheel in Wyoming. And commune with Wanka Tankan, not 15,000 screaming people.
PPS: When I leave that house for the last time…fuck…the visceral pain…it's a divorce.
Grateful For:
Strawberry frozen yogurt treat
Health
Family
So many blessings
Ray Donovan. Abby, you got your “Southie” in you. I have “Jersey in me.”
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