The Other Side?

Dear Hearts,

Last night I dreamt that I was on the deserted island in Castaway. But, I was determined to get off it. So I had some kind of raft and just roughed the waves until I got past the breaking waves.

Then I was in school—teaching. Time froze and was going backward. Only a few other people and I were able to understand why time had frozen. And I spend $15 on sunglasses to protect me “in case she cried.” No clue. Some evil female force that could hurt people with her tears? I was talking to the new Super and explaining how I was giving a lit/vocab test. She was telling me that was too much for the kids. I was, in my submissive way, making my case but she kept shutting me down. Then I was ANGRY. I was going to quit. I was determined. That was it. I was done. But how could I live without a job?? Terror. Then I realized I was on disability and surviving without a job. What a relief.

It doesn’t take Freud to figure these dreams.

It felt so good to get over those waves.

Last night I went to Mass. I know how the Missal works, but I read the Sunday that discussed cutting off your hand if it offends—again. Then I read two other Sunday’s readings.  I finally got the right one.

The Gospel Matthew 6:23-34

 ^“No man can serve two masters: for either he will hate the one, and love the other; or else he will hold to the one, and despise the other. Ye cannot serve God and mammon.

Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life,

what you will eat or drink,

or about your body, what you will wear.

Is not life more than food and the body more than clothing?

Look at the birds in the sky;

they do not sow or reap, they gather nothing into barns,

yet your heavenly Father feeds them.

Are not you more important than they?

Can any of you by worrying add a single moment to your life-span?

Why are you anxious about clothes?

Learn from the way the wild flowers grow.

They do not work or spin.

But I tell you that not even Solomon in all his splendor

was clothed like one of them.

If God so clothes the grass of the field,

which grows today and is thrown into the oven tomorrow,

will he not much more provide for you, O you of little faith?

So do not worry and say, 'What are we to eat?'

or 'What are we to drink?'or 'What are we to wear?'

All these things the pagans seek.

Your heavenly Father knows that you need them all.

But seek first the kingdom of God and his righteousness,

and all these things will be given you besides.

Do not worry about tomorrow; tomorrow will take care of itself.

Sufficient for a day is its own evil."

I have to believe in Providence. Father was speaking—no, God was speaking to me. That’s why he had me read the cutting off your hand if it offends verse.

 ^“No man can serve two masters: for either he will hate the one, and love the other; or else he will hold to the one, and despise the other. Ye cannot serve God and mammon.”

This verse is often over simplified. Like all money is evil and can’t buy happiness. Well, only someone with an abundance of money would believe that. But Father asked us, “What are we working toward?”

Things? Those don’t last. Those aren’t as important as being a better person, having a relationship with God, and experience all those experiences that cannot be obtained in things: love, peace, compassion, joy, kindness…

When I was working as a teacher—I was working so that I could afford My House. I saw my job as the toll I had to pay to live a middle-class lifestyle in my house. Even since I have been on disability—my goal for going back to work has been to make enough money to keep My House. Not live in it. But, keep it.

Right here. Right now. At this moment. Sunday, February 26, 1:20 p.m. CST. What is most important to me is the pussycat snoozing next to me letting out little snores and the Old Man reading the paper in the kitchen. My family. Writing. Drawing. God. Mother Mary.

Do 350 Barbies make me happier than 34? Do six rooms make me happier than one?

I miss Gram. Her empty chair sits across from me. Her death was the beginning of the end of my former life. Before I left to come here with Dad via car in one day—Asshole put all my food (I had bad stomach issues then) I needed. The last nice thing he ever did for me. After Gram’s eulogy, I was sobbing and Dad caught me before I fell to the floor. I wasn’t faking. It wasn’t drama. I was crying for a world—the only world I knew—that was falling away.

“And God shall wipe away all tears from their eyes; and there shall be no more death, neither sorrow, nor crying, neither shall there be any more pain: for the former things are passed away.” Revelation 21:4

I am not saying there will be no more tears. I think the worst may be over with though…

However, just because the patient is no longer Critical, doesn’t mean the patient can resume all normal activities. The patient is in Guarded Condition.

Father said that we all struggle in life—but not all of us stress. Well, that’s bullshit. But, I know what he was saying—that if we trust in God…Faith…all with be as it is meant to be. We won’t have to battle those waves—we’ll be beyond the breakers. The water is still hella choppy and can get rough—but we know…we have Faith…

In Mass last night a couple sat in the pew in front of me with their very young baby. She was beautiful with big blue eyes and a pink bow on her head. At first, I was like MAN. Why do you have to sit in front of me with your kid? She was so good though. We had maybe 10 minutes left and I whispered to her that it would be over soon. She kept looking me and I looked at her instead of concentrating on—no—I was concentrating on prayer is the most profound way.

I ain’t no Christ. HA. But if Jesus had been there—he would have looked that baby in the eyes like I did. That momentary connection…a connection with God. Dolphins, buffalo, wolves, babies, cats, dogs, horses—you are connecting with God’s creations (hence God) in the purest way.

Maybe the worst isn’t over. But…and I really, really, really hesitate to say this…I…

Compromise: I felt happy yesterday when I was arranging Barbie. Happy. I felt it. I didn’t fake it. I really felt it.

Fucking wow.

Tomorrow and Tuesday I work at the Burning Bed from 8 a.m. till 4 p.m. covering the front desk. Eww. I have to get up before nine—okay, I’ll be honest—10 a.m. I am anxious about the germs—but I don’t fear AS MUCH fucking up or getting in trouble. My fear usually runs at a 150 MPH plus—so we are down from that. Germs, eww.

Ash Wednesday this week begins Lent.

CD is an insidious motherfucker. He can play hide and seek on you…that’s his best trick ever. Leaving you alone and letting you think you feel better…then pouncing like a cat on a bird. But as least I know there IS another side.

Smoke ‘em if ya’ got ‘em. God Bless

In the name of The Father, Son, and Holy Spirit; Mother Mary, Saint Brigid; Saint Jude; Saint Therese Lisieux; Saint Peter; Archangel Michael, and my Guardian Angel, Jed.

PS: Angel just got up, stretched, turned around, and curled up to sleep again. Don't be expectin' no posts for the next couple of days. WTF, you say? I am gonna be up at like 5.30 or 6 a.m. That's like, uh, working!

Grateful For:

Angel

Amish pumpkin spice Danish bun

Spending the afternoon with Aunt Faerie at the Garden Room and then walking.

Dinner out with G-Pa

Health