"Why Can't You Just Take Me?"

Dear Hearts,

Maybe I do need to switch anti-depressants.

Yesterday was HUD. I went from making 65,000 grand a year to getting 1,900 dollars from SSD. You really have to fuck to up to get yourself from 65,000 to 1,900. Today was the accountant. I had a bad episode. But it just comes over—no on me. It’s just like a weight descends on me. I don’t care about drawing or even smoking really—I mean I do, but I know it won’t make me feel any different. I just don’t care. I have to drive to Jersey tomorrow to see my GI doc. Overwhelming. I just feel…weighted down and like someone cut out all the best parts of me.

Guilt. Sorrow. I just don’t give a fuck.

“Why is it so hard?

Why can’t you just take me?

I don’t have much to go

Before I fade completely” Kelly Clarkson “Irvine”

Why would anyone want to live this way? How can anyone live this way?

Hope flew away a long time ago. 

It’s like I am carrying something dead inside me.

Mom said she was thinking about how much she loved me. I really don't understand why. I really don't understand why everyone would just feel better off without me. Why do they try so hard to save me? If I had done it in 2014, they would've gotten upwards of a quarter of a million in insurance money. 

I am 39. 

I can't cry but I want to. 

God? Please save me from myself...

Smoke ‘em if ya’ got ‘em. God Bless

In the name of The Father, Son, and Holy Spirit; Mother Mary, Saint Brigid; Saint Jude; Saint Therese Lisieux; Saint Peter; Archangel Michael, and my Guardian Angel, Jed.