Grace and Pink Dolphins

Dear Hearts,

Today is International Women’s Day. Ohhh. Ahhh. So cool. Not.

Stupid and unnecessary. Every fucking body and cause have a day and/or a month.

What about International Catholic-Republican-Barbie-Collecting-Day?

What is cool are pink dolphins! I know, right?! But, they do exist, Virginia.

The Amazon River Dolphin is the biggest of five freshwater dolphins (didn’t even know they existed). I mean how cool is that? And, some of the natives regard them as (paraphrasing History Channel) semi-divine beings with magical properties!

Nature is so fucking cool. See, that’s how I know that is God. The platypus proves God’s sense of humor and the Pink Dolphin accounts for God’s feminine side. I bet God likes Barbie too.

**********

FEAR.

“I am afraid I can’t help you.”

“I’m afraid you can’t do that.”

“I’m afraid that’s not possible.”

It’s part of our everyday language. (Thank you, Richie, for teaching me the difference between “everyday” and “every day”.)

I am not going to say (queue high-pitched-nasally-voice) “according to the dictionary fear is defined as…”

I hate that. It’s the equivalent of “it was all a dream” in fiction. It’s a cop out.

All of it—all the negative shit—comes down to fear. On Ash Wednesday, Father talked about cutting negative tethers and allowing ourselves to be happy and “soar” as God wants us to.

In drawing this week, I was trying to depict that. I got the dolphin (had to add wings!) jumping out of the water and the breaking chain. But, shit. I was having a helluva time with how to depict all the Darkness. Words? Pictures? Both?

Then I looked at a phrase (I colored it and keep it in my bedroom) from “Amazing Grace.”

“AND GRACE MY FEARS RELIEVED.”

That simple. That fucking simple.

Okay. So here’s the first thing that popped up when I Googled “fear”

Noun: an unpleasant emotion caused by the belief that someone or something is dangerous, likely to cause pain, or a threat.

Verb: be afraid of (someone or something) as likely to be dangerous, painful, or threatening.

When Gram died, almost five years ago, (Where did the years go?) the overwhelming grief could be described as fear. To live without Gram? The pain and hurt. The loss…

I was afraid of Asshole when we lived together.

I was afraid to lose the fairytale I bought from T., because that had been my reason to live.

I was afraid ever day of not being a good enough teacher and getting “in trouble.”

I am afraid of regrets, wrong choices…

This is what I had sketched down for all the Darkness to which I was cutting the tethers: self-harm, like cutting; sin; regrets; co-dependence; suicide; cruelty; depression; being consumed by material things; psychotic breaks in Asshole; PTSD; death; abuse; teaching; ECT; past; violence; terror; alcohol and T.; lies; Henry; losing and keeping My House; hate, OCD; panic attacks; divorce; fear; guilt; doubt; ulcerative colitis…I made myself stop there.

I don’t need to put all those things on paper. I already have in many ways, but it doesn’t have to go into my Dolphin Drawing.

FEAR covers it.

All of those things I listed above can cause pain. So much pain. I remember in 2012, when I came home from the hospital after my colitis and my sister sitting on the bed with me. I hugged her and sobbed. “There’s been so pain,” I said.

You can also fear good things. Like I am terrified of getting better. Why, you ask? Because then I don’t have a good moral reason to be on disability and I know the Darkness and it’s a long fucking way to fall from the Light into the Darkness. What does that feel like? Not wanting to die or even having genuinely good feelings?

My House is my last tether to my old life. I fought so hard…

I fought so hard…it hurt so bad…I was so afraid…I was so tired.

“Grace My Fears Relieved.”

Now, I can finish my drawing.

Smoke ‘em if ya’ got ‘em. God Bless

In the name of The Father, Son, and Holy Spirit; Mother Mary, Saint Brigid; Saint Jude; Saint Therese Lisieux; Saint Peter; Archangel Michael, and my Guardian Angel, Jed.

Grateful For:

Family

Health

Sunsets with Gram

Buffalo Meatloaf

Angel

HOW FUCKING COOL IS THAT?!