"I Love You, Goodbye."

Dear Hearts,

I won’t be able to finish this post. It is T-minus 30 minutes until I have to be prepared for Aunt Faerie to pick up me and G-Pa for Pie Day.

So I am binge watching Shameless on Showtime and I get into bed feeling pretty good. I had my last cigarette and I found Angel who apparently can literally make herself invisible. I had brushed my teeth and was set to watch the last 15 or minutes of an episode.

Fucking T. emailed me.

“Would you kindly refresh my past.  Did you give me my Rosary? txt to xxxxx.  Thx. Trust all is well. Hey:  I do miss your voice. :-)"

Ahem.

Ex-fucking-cuse me? You miss my fucking voice? Oh, you mean you miss the voice of the fucking cunt or the fucking bitch? Which do you miss more? Do you miss my begging you on my knees to stop drinking? Do you miss my apologizing or placating? What exactly is it about my voice that you miss?

Fuck you, asshole. I haven’t had a soft thought for you until last night when you emailed me. I almost fucking texted you, but um, no.

My inner dialogue:

“Maybe he’s changed.”

“What he said and did is unforgivable. You could never trust him again. Where’s the apology?

“I could text him. It’s easier for me.”

“How? That’s what I thought. It makes it too easy to invite contact again. Don’t do it.”

“I’m gonna text him.”

“What would Mother Mary say?”

“Okay, I’ll email him.”

“Hi. I did give you your Irish rosary. The one with the Claddagh symbol. I hope that all is well with you too.” Sent From iPhone.

But then I lay awake wondering…and thinking about those intimate times. Bastard. I have lost enough sleep over you.

I clawed and scratched my way out of our relationship barely making it with my life and sanity. I was looking at psych wards to get away from you. I moved half way across the country to get away from you. Oh, hell, no, you do not get to come back into my life that easy.

“Would you kindly refresh…” Don’t fucking talk like a fop—talk like the drunk you are and don’t cover with it polite prose.

The first words outta your mouth to me need to me:

“I wanna hear you say please, baby please

I’m stupid, I was wrong

And you knew it all along

So get

Down on your knees, baby

Swallow up your pride

You know, it wouldn’t hurt to cry, and say please…” (Saving Jane)

Even if you did make amends—oh, that’s right you did that already! You are on your like fifth round of the 12 steps. Even if you made amends—no. I will not go back down that hole. I didn’t even know those feelings for you still lurked in there.

This morning I thought of your daughter, Cinderella. How the fuck could I ever be with a man who is such a shitty father to his only daughter?

You miss my voice?

The last thing image that goes through my mind is me sitting on your lap and you screaming in my face, “What do I have to do? Smash your fucking teeth in?”

“Go ahead. Please, go ahead and do it,” I said.

That’s what I remember. I also remember the soft words…but the softness dissolved under the violence.

How could you forget who gave you, your first rosary? Maybe because you were black out drunk a lot of the time. Or maybe it is just a ruse.

T.—I think that even if you were sorry and “changed” that you can’t. You damaged your brain—yourself—with all that poison. How could we ever have something together when you don’t even remember the reality of what we had.

“Oh, there’s the cop that was at your OD!”

Who says that?

“I love you. Goodbye.”

Smoke ‘em if ya’ got ‘em. God Bless

In the name of The Father, Son, and Holy Spirit; Mother Mary, Saint Brigid; Saint Jude; Saint Therese Lisieux; Saint Peter; Archangel Michael, and my Guardian Angel, Jed.

PS: HAPPY 58TH BIRTHDAY BARBIE!

Grateful For:

Pie

Buffalo Meatloaf

Iced Coffee

Angel

Being here