Hey God

Hey God,

I’m sorry I didn’t make it to Mass tonight and I’m sorry I am too lazy to go on a Sunday. I had a pretty bad panic attack. But, you knew that.

I wish missing Mass weren’t a mortal sin. I just got Pop’s blanket—my college blanket that he died under and have covered my lap with it.

See, I was feeling better this week. But, that scared me.

Because if I’m not down-in-the-well depressed and having panic attacks every day, what is my excuse?

But I guess this is what CD…and disability look like. You sit on the ledge of the well and then you fall back in. It's the Plains of Unhappiness. I don't believe I deserve any of the blessings I have.

I am so ashamed to be on disability. To be applying to the government to have my $30,000 loans forgiven. To be going on Medicare. To not have a 30-year-odd career like my parents.

The people at Burning Bed have no idea how fucked up I really am.

This whole house business scares me so badly, God.

I know it’s a tether I need to cut. But, it scares me. The last of my supposed-to-be-former life.

I try to be good. I took G-Pa for an hour’s ride in the country today even though it was the last thing I wanted to do. See, if I were a really good person, I wouldn’t have added the “even though.”

This panic attack was pretty bad. My mind was even in panic mode. Like DANGER, DANGER, RUN, RUN, FLEE. “How do you run from what’s inside your head?”

I could be living in My House right now. But, I’d be alone. I’d be sad. Here I have a purpose.

Why do I feel like I need to write at least 500 words to make a post legit?

I miss my Spring Room on a beautiful day like this. The final loss.

I felt like I could hear Gram’s voice today in the kitchen when I got back from a walk with Mom. I could hear Gram getting ready to have tea and just hear the tenor, the lilt of her voice. I can’t believe she has been gone for five years.

Have I wasted five years of my life, God?

I want to trust that you have a plan. I want to just turn it all over to you. It’s hard. I’m tired. It would be easier…

Huh. Haven’t had that thought in a while.

I actually saw my reflection in the mirror at Burning Bed this week and thought, “Gee, I’m pretty.” Fuck. When was the last time I thought that?

Thanks for my phone. I dropped it last week on the street and a Good Samaritan turned into a cop who brought it to me. And My cousin—who visited a few weeks ago—she is GIVING me a $500 iPad for $100. Wow. I am so fucking grateful.

I have been thinking about T. a lot. Was there a good man in him anywhere? There had to have been.

This morning I woke up in a panic thinking my grades for school were late. I convinced myself that I didn’t work there anymore.

Everything is a double-edged sword it seems.

572 words. I can be done now.

I thank you for all your blessings. I don’t deserve your Grace. But that is the nature of GRACE I guess.

Smoke ‘em if ya’ got ‘em. God Bless

In the name of The Father, Son, and Holy Spirit; Mother Mary, Saint Brigid; Saint Jude; Saint Therese Lisieux; Saint Peter; Archangel Michael, and my Guardian Angel, Jed.

PS: Shower or cigarette? Cigarette.

Grateful For:

Health

Angel

iPhone being found

Family

A room of my own