In My Head...

Dear hearts,

No capitalization or grammar right now. Except what word corrects on its own. I am having a pretty bad episode. A full blown panic attack—as in I just want to go to my house and curl u[p in a fetal position on the couch and not go out ever again. Just be alone until I go crazy and finally do myself in. wow that was in the subconscious.

What triggered it? thoughts of T. and Asshole. I was out at the graveyard visiting grandma and I thought about T. I miss him.

What the fuck? Why do you miss that motherfucker? he fucking abused you—told you, you were shit and a worthless. He threatened your cat? what the damned fuck is wrong with you?

And I want to call asshole. Just hear his voice

Excuse me?? you what? you want to talk to your ex husband? yeah, good fucking idea. Just end it now stupid bitch. I’m done with you.

I know. I know. Please don’t give up on me yet. Dr swede says I am made in the likeness and image of God and joel osteen says to not say ‘I am a loser’, because then you will lose.

I just….

I just…I just..you just what? what is your fucking excuse for living? you were gonna write some fucking intellectural blog about old people and young people and how we have the same capabilities and deserve respect? maybe if you weren’t such a loser. Yeah suck on your e cigarette. You’re gonna die a horrible death of cancer anyway so just fucking get it out of the way.

Saint Michael, Saint Gabriel, St. Raphael—is the feast of the arch angels today. Forgive me for not capitizling your names.

They aren’t gonna forgive you—you fucking immoral cunt.

No wait. I shoulda said archangel Michael, archangel Gabriel and archangel Raphael…

Oh that would make such a difference. You are 39 and on fucking disability and you are afraid of germs but you’re too fucking lazy to clean the mouse shit out of your underwear drawer until the mouse is dead? nope. You’re just fucking lazy.

But what if—what if---there is a chance for me and T? I felt it this spring when I was praying to saint Jude. It was gonna be all okay. He was supposed to be the last guy I ever slept with. And he promsed me he wouldn’t break his art. Diggs got clean for erin and they are totally in love.

Yeah, in a fucking ebook that wasn’t good enough to be published and you’re wasting your time reading.

And asshole—he was crazy but at least I knew the rules. I knew what to expect. With t. too. I knew what to expect. I loved t. I thinik it’s the dream---grieve the dream said Martha.

You better grieve the fucking dream, bitch. You spent money your didn’t have today on sheets and I don’t give a fuck in they were under 20 bucks. And then your spent 25 dollars on three books. Yeah, you got the one for free with the other and then you added a ten buck item to get free shipping cuz you were gonna spend 7 on shipping anyway. And yes—shut up—I know what you’re gonna say. You want to read about angels and the faqs of the catholic church. Take another klonopin. No take all the klonopin and Xanax you have bitch.

No. not on g pa’s couch. I can’t take the nuclear option here.

You are never gonna amount to jack. Truly. Stop being a burden to your parents and let him start to grieve you they aand your sister ccan get on with their lives instead of dealing with your shit. All the angels in the world ain’t gonna help you.

Get thee behind me satan.

Oh that’s fucking rich from a former witch and pagan. And adulterer and fornicator. Yo use tarot cards. You spend your nights coloring kate middleton pictures and watching true blood. Can you be more pathetic.

NO. GET BEHIND ME SATAN. MOTHER MARY AND GOD HAD THEIR CHANCE AND THEY DIDN’T WANT ME. THEY WANT ME HERE. AND I CAN’T TAKE THE NUCLEAR OPTION ON G PAS COUCH.

Don’t yell at me—I’ll fucking smash your teeth in you dumb cunt. Fucking skank whore. You think you’re making progress? well you ain’t. you are just delaying the inevitable. I am so over you and your pathetic whining bullshit. Go to hell—oh I forgot you’re already there and you can go to a worse hell when you commit a mortal sin and kill your damned self.

Archangel Michael who protects—archangel Gabriel who announces---archangel Raphael who guides—jed, my guardian angel—

Who the fuck names their guardian angel? you aren’t even supposed to. And then you share it. he’s gonna dump your ass like every other guy you looked to to save your dumb ass.

I thought you were done with me.

I am now. Bitch. Over and fucking out. Try to enjoy the rest of your fucking night loser. Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahha

Oh archangels and jed—on this feast day help me. I don’t know how you exist or why---but please help me. Please. I beg of you. i beseech your succor. 

THAT’S JUST A SMALL SAMPLE OF WHAT’S IN MY HEAD. WONDER WHY I TAKE XANAX AND AM ON DISABILITY NOW?

Thank God for Xanax.  It’s kicking in. sedating things. A mili of Xanax and a half mili of klonopin can do the trick. 

That’s what came out of my head. The worst of it is over know. My angel (cat) lays beside me as she always has. I’m breathing normally again—not shallowly. I am just twitching, rather than shaking.

No proofreading. I am just gonna post this as is. I can’t be the only one. This suffering has to be for a greater good---to let me help others--SHUT UP DEMON. SHUT YOUR GODDAMNED MOUTH. I only smoked three cigarettes yesterday so maybe I get some extra today.

That’s what is in my head. Christ Save Me. Mother Mary…

Smoke ‘em if ya’ got ‘em. God Bless

In the name of The Father, Son, and Holy Spirit; Mother Mary, Saint Brigid; Saint Jude; Saint Therese Lisieux; Saint Peter; Archangel Michael, and my Guardian Angel.