Resisting Happiness

Dear Hearts

Driving home from the Olive Hell Garden tonight, the sunset was awe-some. Pink and orange brushed over feathery clouds. I thought it was beautiful. Then I thought, there must be a God who did all this, because everyone finds a sunset beautiful. All human beings are programmed to find nature’s wonders grand. Yes, it’s all a matter of atmosphere, light, gasses, shadow, rotation, etc., but that’s not accidental. There is a God. And, I found a feather on the sidewalk when I was “walking” with mom on the phone. Thanks, St. Therese.

Now, to what I’m really feeling.

Hello. My name is Katherine Therese Kennedy and I am not good enough.

Hi, Kate.

I got up late and I didn’t so much of anything today. Some paperwork and such. No cleaning. No unpacking. G-Pa still doesn’t realize I’m here for good. I don’t know how to tell him.

I drove to the Olive Hell Garden where we were to meet The Christian Fellowship Circle—a group of really old people from G-Pa’s church who get together once a month and have dinner together. I have enjoyed these suppers, but not tonight. We were supposed to pick up E., who is 96 and a bit scattered after his last stroke, but when we got to his house he was nowhere in sight. So, that made us late for dinner. Not that there’s a start time officially, but G-Pa’s on-time is always ten minutes earlier than stated. We were the last ones there.

On the way, I almost sorta, but not really hit a deer as I was paying attention to merging onto the highway. The deer was a goodly distance from me. But I got yelped at for that. Then in the parking lot, I almost drove over the curb with his boat-car. G-Pa was pissed. Like really mad. Like really, really mad. Then he scolded me for wearing my GOP baseball hat inside the restaurant. We weren’t even inside yet! And I ALWAYS wear a hat. I never leave home without a hat. It is proper for women to keep hats on inside, but I always take mine off. I think maybe he was pissed that I was wearing jeans. It was the Olive Garden! I’ve told him again and again that although I agree that people should dress up for church—sandals and stockings do NOT GO TOGETHER IN ANY COUNTRY. Unless you’re like really old. I had a nice top on. I looked put-together. Except my bangs. They looked like the mouse that’s living in my underwear drawer nested in my bangs. And, I couldn’t put my hat back on.

Then G-Pa ordered an appetizer because I wasn’t paying attention and short of the long of it—his decaf late and he didn’t get his appetizer until everyone was done. They had done calamari instead and had to switch it. Then the appetizer was way too hot and spicy for him. Even though they gave it to him for free, he didn’t take it with him. Then the bill was a long time in coming. And there was no butter for his breadstick. And he was missing WWF for all this! He let everyone know he was pissed. Then I called E. to check on him—and he got confused about the time and wasn’t there when we were at his house. I think G-Pa thought that was my fault for not communicating well enough—even though Trumpeteer swore to G-Pa that she had talked to E. and he told her what I had told him exactly. Then an hour later he did the opposite. So I left a 96 confused man driving around The Holy City with no supper.

Then I fucked up driving on the way home because I was so nervous about fucking up driving on the way home.

I don’t think I’ve fucked up since I’ve gotten in the house though.

I want to go home. But, I am home. I want to feel safe. I want to burrow into the earth and not come out. It is so weird to wake up and not know which bed I am in or where.

The question—the real crux of it is this: Am I not feeling good enough because I just want to Resist Happiness (Matthew Kelly’s new book) or because I’m really not good enough? Is my perception just all skewed like when you have 3D glasses on outside, or do I just really suck? Would any place make me feel at home or safe?

Afterall "tomorrow is always another day" to fuck up.

Smoke ‘em if ya’ got ‘em. God Bless

In the name of The Father, Son, and Holy Spirit; Mother Mary, Saint Brigid; Saint Jude; Saint Therese Lisieux; Saint Peter; Archangel Michael, and my Guardian Angel.