Leave It All Behind

Dear Hearts

I actually got out of bed before 1 p.m. today. I couldn’t fall asleep until after 1:30 a.m. Tonight I am not going to fight it. Just watch another episode of Justified.

What if I didn’t love T. as much as I thought I did? What if I loved the idea of him. Any port in the storm. He was a lighthouse on fatal seas. Does that mean that I deserve what I got from him?

He said I was the love of my life. I knew he wasn’t the love of my life but I said he was. I was good to him though. Too good—I enabled him.

I don’t think my plans are God’s plans. Okay. God knows a lot better than I do, but how do I deal with all the loss? The greatest therapist I ever had said my divorce would cause a lot of loss. It did. I’m still experiencing loss. Of material and spiritual things.

We are supposed to plan our lives. High school—where are you going to college? What are you going to do with your life? If we didn’t plan anything we wouldn’t be helping ourselves—or God help us at all. But I am not like the disciples. I just can’t leave it all behind.

I became a teacher because I wanted to inspire kids. I had a horrendous school experience and I know the difference that a good teacher can make. Well, not so much anymore. And at what cost? School starts tomorrow. I don’t miss the unconditional terror and fear that I used to feel going back. But, what am I good for now?

Now I want to help domestic abuse survivors and those who are clinically depressed--suicidal. I have no problem with the dichotomy of encouraging another to live while I want to die. Unless you've been to those places, you don't get it.

Daddy, sorry, but all the abuse that Nana doled out is not what under the bridge. She's part of the demons.

I had an episode and took a milligram of Xanax. I’m tired of being tired and broken. Of being in constant crisis. I just want to run away. Start again. But could I leave all of IT behind?

I can't be the only one who feels this.

God? Mother Mary? Help?

Smoke ‘em if ya’ got ‘em. God Bless

In the name of The Father, Son, and Holy Spirit; Mother Mary, Saint Brigid; Saint Jude; Saint Therese Lisieux; Archangel Michael, and my Guardian Angel.

PS: I ordered an epilator with money I don't have--it pulls hair out by the roots. I am determined to win the battle against my leg and bikini hair. Societal Expectations for women to shave are the most barbaric of notions.