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Dear Hearts,

So, that whole cathartic blogging thing didn’t work out the way it was supposed to or maybe it did.

I had a very bad episode. I haven’t had one that bad in a long time. I was starting to fix dinner for G-Pa and the potato I had in my hand flew across the floor when my arm spasmed. The potato was thrown away.

I usually call Mom and Dad and they just talk to me while I am going through the worst of it. I just need someone to talk to me to keep me grounded and distracted. But, not like how T. used to talk to me in his supposedly-soothing freaky drunk tone. I couldn’t get Mom and Dad, so I tried Gaia. She spent over 40 minutes on the phone with me. Just talking about stuff.

I have never called her for or gone to her for solace before—but I am glad I did. She is My Sister. My Blood. Even if we are polar opposites on just about everything. The whole wretched year-plus with T. was worth it, if the only good thing I got from it all was a relationship with Gaia. We have never been closer.

Today it is 0 degrees in The Holy City. But, hey!—that’s an improvement from the -4 we had earlier and the -12 we are going to get. Plus the wind chill being -20 to -30. Tomorrow will be 17! And then we bump up into the 30s.

Although Aunt Faerie has practiced and rehearsed for months for today—three holiday concerts in a row—G-Pa and I are housebound. It’s just too cold to take him outside. This is what I wanted. A day to myself. I stayed up late last night and slept late this morning. So, why am I feeling all anxious just sitting here?

I am going to get back to my point from last night.

I have two inches of snow to shovel, but that can wait until tomorrow. Although, G-Pa, next time a young teenager offers to shovel the drive and walk for free—LET HER! DON’T SEND HER AWAY!

“They told you that it was all meant to be and that you were chosen…and all of this was destiny and it was easy for you to believe it--because you needed to believe it-- because it was the only way to go on. There is another way now--with us.” The Last Ship

ECT was a failure. It was a Hail Mary, but it did not work. Then I needed to believe what T. was selling because I was his Barbie, his Bunny. He was my sponsor when I converted to Catholicism.  I needed to believe what he was selling, because my life prior to that was so unbearable that it was either T. or death. I lied to myself “Big League.” Ironically, I swore to myself in college that I’d never lie to myself after dating Sociopath, but that Kate did have almost 20 years of adulthood on her.

After Asshole left, I imprisoned myself in teaching and in my house. I was in a self-imposed exile from life. When I met T.—the foundation of our relationship was built on lies, my OD, and me being cognitively impaired. After my OD, I wasn’t focused on myself—but US or more accurately HIM and believing the lies he told me that I so desperately wanted to be true.

But no man is going to come in and magically sweep me off my feet, fix everything, and take care of me. Not going to happen.

Instead, I have fallen on My Family. I will soon be financially dependent.

My theory is this: Only since June, when I left T., have I had a real chance at recovering from my OCD and PTSD. So, I’m like just six months into recovery.

Mom and Dad are decorating the tree and watching It’s A Wonderful Life. I wish I were there.

I can’t see a future for myself. I cannot picture or even dream a future. It’s just blank.

Friday, I really wanted to just go back to bed. But, by God’s Grace I had promised to take Gladys to the grocery store. Then we met G-Pa and Dr. Swede for coffee and pie. I was glad she was my reason to get out of bed.

I told Gladys about my trip to Nebraska and said it was so wonderful because it was a break from Life.

“That’s why you’re here (The Holy City),” she said, “and not there (Back East), because you have to focus on moving forward.”

Yes. Thank you.

Christmas brings back all the good, the bad, and the ugly of the past. I recognize Christ and the significance of Christmas in relation to Christianity. I’m just not feeling at all the Hallmark Christmas Spirit!

Martha said to just accept the fact that this Christmas will suck. Huh. Then anything good that happens is above and beyond.

Expect and prepare for the worst and Hope for the best.

My Christmas movie last night was “Black Snake Moan.” (Samuel L. Jackson. Christina Ricci. Justin Timberlake. Young White girl is saved by old Black Man by chaining young girl to the radiator. Hearts are mended.  

What do I chain myself to that will keep me amongst the Living?

Smoke ‘em if ya’ got ‘em. God Bless

In the name of The Father, Son, and Holy Spirit; Mother Mary, Saint Brigid; Saint Jude; Saint Therese Lisieux; Saint Peter; Archangel Michael, and my Guardian Angel, Jed.

PS: Saint Therese—thank you for having me find your medal that I thought was lost! In the bedframe! Thank you. It’s the little things. Coffee. A cigarette. A pussy cat. A pastry. The little things. Thank you.

PPS: ECT is a bad idea. Don’t do it.

PPPS: God? Mother Mary? Christ? I look to You…

This Little Light of Mine

This little light of mine, I'm gonna let it shine
This little light of mine, I'm gonna let it shine,
This little light of mine, I'm gonna let it shine,
Let it shine, let it shine, let it shine

Hide it under a bushel, no!
I'm gonna let it shine
Hide it under a bushel, no!
I'm gonna let it shine,
Hide it under a bushel, no!

I'm gonna let it shine, let it shine,
Let it shine, let it shine
Don't let Satan blow it out
I'm gonna let it shine
Don't let Satan blow it out
I'm gonna let it shine
Don't let Satan blow it out
I'm gonna let it shine,
Let it shine, let it shine, let it shine

Let it shine til Jesus comes
I'm gonna let it shine
Let it shine til Jesus comes
I'm gonna let it shine,
Let it shine til Jesus comes
I'm gonna let it shine

Let it shine, let it shine, let it shine

This little light of mine, I'm gonna let it shine
This little light of mine, I'm gonna let it shine,
This little light of mine, I'm gonna let it shine,

Let it shine, let it shine, let it shine
Let it shine, let it shine, let it shine

Read more: Veggie Tales - This Little Light Of Mine Lyrics | MetroLyrics