Please Allow Me To Introduce Myself

Please, allow me to introduce myself,

I am Clinical Depression. My friends call me CD—and you’re all my friends, so I’m CD.

I am truly blessed. I have so many Good Friends. You are a part of me and I am a big part of you. In fact, I am closer to my Good Friend than your spouses, confessors, children, pets, and even yourselves.

Of all the holidays, I love Christmas the most. Some people are genuinely happy and truly enjoy themselves—I am not so close to those people. I am closer to those people who want to be happy and want to live life. I most enjoy celebrating Christmas with my Good Friends.

You see the sparkly lights, hear familiar songs, see previews for the sappy movies, get Christmas cards and gifts, hear about parties, listen to the uplifting Advent Messages. You feel numb? Angry? Despairing? Yeah, no need to thank me.

Christmas is a time for nostalgia. My Good friends think of their best and worst Christmases. I help them to relive these memories again and again, so that they can mourn those past Christmases and remind them that since they have me in their lives, they will really have to fight for some joy.

Look at all those happy people in commercials, magazines, newspapers, office parties, stores…Remember the Christmas you OD’ed? Too bad that didn’t work out for ya’. Or how about that Christmas that you were in an abusive relationship? You tried to make that one (well, let’s be honest, it was not your first) work out. You failed. You’re alone. Oh? You have family? Yeah, well, remember I am Number One in your life.

I love My Good Friends to have family, friends, and children the best. They know they ought to be blessed, but I make sure they feel worthless and undeserving. I get positively gleeful when My Good Friends have disturbed family relationships. It is so much fun for me to make them endure the torture of Grandma’s insults. Or Dad’s drunkenness.

Your family and friends are happy and you’re on good terms with them? Are you really? Look at them laughing and enjoying life! You won’t feel that! I promise! You will be on the outside in the Arctic Vortex looking in on the chestnuts roasting on an open fire.

Even if you have money—it’s not enough to fill the holes I make for you. If you don’t have money—it’s so much easier for me to ensure you are miserable. You can’t participate in any reindeer games. Don’t bother decorating. What’s the point?

I’m sorry. You are not alone. You will never be alone. God? Christ? You can try! HA HA. I am talking about me. I will always be with you. In your head.

Remember—doubt yourself, hate yourself, hurt yourself, you don’t matter, just end it already and do everyone a favor, you are such a fucking failure! 39 year-old and on disability—all because of me! You’re welcome!

This time of year a lot of you enact your Exit Plans. Or you may just obsessively think about it. I am here for you. Right beside you night and day. Nothing you do will help. I promise.

Hey, don’t get me wrong. I don’t all my Good Friends to knock themselves off. Then I would be lonely. I much prefer you suffering and mourning.

Don’t you dare feel happy—I won’t let that happen to you, I promise. You can fight me, but you won’t win. Have you won so far?

You are alone. Yeah, your family loves you. Yada, yada. But you don’t have that special someone in your life you long for. You won’t be getting any intimate loving gifts from your significant others, because you are losers and nobody wants to be with you. Embrace the guilt and disdain for yourself! Don't eat that pie! You're gonna get fat! Embrace your insecurities! They are truly you! Be proud to be you!

My Good Friends, I love you so much. Remember your horrible childhood. Does “fucking retard” ring a bell? How about that black eye? Remember when Grandma died? Ooh, how about that time you got the Red-Ryder-BB-Gun gift?  (Not gonna happen ever again—that is so over). Remember how you feel like your having and Out of Body Experience—OBE—when you are with happy, peppy people and you feel outside of yourself. That’s the norm. I will help you sustain that.

Wait, I almost forgot! Remember when your high school boyfriend was fucking every chic and lying to about it and when your husband was a drunk and you were in Da’ Nile? (Get it? The Nile. Denial. I crack myself up.) Keep those memories coming.

You wanted this year to be different? HA HA! You’ve said that every year. That Olsteen or Hahn book ain’t gonna help you. You can pray all you want. I will be waiting inside you.

Don’t worry, I’ll never leave you. I’ll always come home for Christmas.

Love, 

CD

PS: Don’t worry about getting me anything for Christmas—you’re misery is my greatest gift! Go ahead treat yourself to another Xanax or 150. Just remember—don’t throw them up. That’s how you failed last time. Let’s learn from that mistake. Oh! And don’t forget to abandon all hope!

PPS: All those little successes your family and therapist says you had--they were lying! Just so ya' know. Any success or happiness you have is a fluke!

PPPS: Silly me! I forgot! Those Episodes, a you call them, Kate are never gonna go away. You failed at well...hell, you just failed!

Smoke ‘em if ya’ got ‘em. God Bless

In the name of The Father, Son, and Holy Spirit; Mother Mary, Saint Brigid; Saint Jude; Saint Therese Lisieux; Saint Peter; Archangel Michael, and my Guardian Angel, Jed.