Dear hearts
No caps or grammar. Bad episode. Spelling suckjs too.
Full on panic attack. My mind isn’t always affected by my shdaking but it is now. Maybe if I get this out.
Gripped by panic like an anachonda. Great j-lo movie. But it –no a pit bull. A mean not properly trained pitbull has its jaws around med and won’t let go. I can’tt tell you what im worried about—my mind just races. I am in crisis. Its like I’m in the middle of a crisis. I’ m not. All is calm. But not in my head. Flee flee fleee flee fleee getout get out get out dan ger danger help help fear fear fear terror terror terror. I really am feeling those things right now.
Maybe this is CD getting back at me for have a ‘good’ Christmas. I didn’t write last night because I new the pitbull was crouching waiting for me. I can sense him. I drew and drew and drew. Im determined to draw a shity human female figure to use as a template for an angel, MOTHER MARY, or kate middletone. I know one of those doesn’t belong. I am capping because it requires my spasming hands to hit only one key. Gotta capitalize MOTHER MARY.
I’m, failing gpa. He was boared today. I shoulda taken him for a ride I didn’t. I drew instead. Even took a walk with mom.
Last ngiht the pitbull was on a chain. He got off the chain and has me good tonight. Damn CD. Pitbulls are only violent if trained to be. Well CD trained him to be mean. I just I just I just don’t even cant tell you what I want except away. Away. Away.
Gpa looked at me yesterday and said
Did your man send you a present or card at least
I stood dumb. Literally with mouth open.
You mean T. the drunk I left/
Yeah, whatever the guy you were last with…dan…
No. he didn’t.
Oh well.
I a;lso think he hallucinated snow last night.
I am a bad judge. I wen t through this with pop who had alzheimers. Gpa doesn’t have alzheimers
He just asked how I was feellijng and said it looked like a severe one was I okay to stay by himself and hijm to dinner. Now I fucking have him worried. Cause his out fo work crazy 39 year old granddaughter who is supposed to be his companion is on the couch in a fetal position.
Gpa doesn’t have alzheimers
Fuck it. another Xanax—that’s a milligram and a half. No[e can’t get off couch to get Xanax… off csme the jeans and socks and tank top. G[pa gone. Im gonna rfecord this for posterity. For the record half klonopin this morning and another half just now followed by a milligram of Xanax.
I do this to myself.f my mind is fucked up and there is nothing phhuysically wrong with me. But my fucking brain causes this. I cause this. So I am choosing to throw away house life financial security love because I am a fucking pussy. I’m crazyu. People go thru divorces and come out. They don’t have a full fledged breakdown like this .
I fucking hate myself. I want to die. I should go into the kitchen take a knife and just do it. but gpa can’t find me like that. This is what goes through my head in a panic attack boys and girls. Givwe me a gun. Under the chin is pretty fool proof I understand. This is whats in my head. Why. Why/ why/ /=?
Tomporrow I get my last check from my union. Then I am totally dependent on ssd and mom and dad. Stupide fucking whore bitch cunt I should not have been spending money these last years. I should a been saving. I am choosing to throw it all away. But that’s not what I want.
I ddon’t fucking know what I want. I don’t
HAIL MARY FULL OF GRACE THE LORD IS WITH THEEE BLESSED ARE THOU AMONG WOMEN AND BLESSED IS THE FRUIT OF THY WOMB JESUS. HOLY MARY MOTHER OF GOD PRAYER FOR US SINNERS NOW AND AT THE HOUR OF OUR DEATH.
See I had this cognitive dissonance—I’m catholic. I respect all life. Well no I don’t. but I’m not hurting people who I think deserve it. I think I am against the death penalty and even abortion perhabps. A real change for me but I’ve done a lot of thinking obn it. but with myt suicide there was never a conflict.GOD woul understand. I offered myself to HIM AND MOTHER MARY and they sent me back.
CHRISTMAS EVE was a very special service at church. Ain’t going to the 10 pm. Again if they ain’t having candles. But everything looked so beautiful. I prayed in front of the nativity. I honored ST THERESE. I lit 5 candles. Buffalo. Sister’s life. All those I love. Me. And all my blessings. I am supposed to pay 2 dollars a candle. Wel l I don/’t and being ocd I have to light one, three, or five—after that it would seven or 9. Never got beyond 5.
Do I want to live like this// really. I must since I am fucking doing this to myself. Subsconiously I must want to live this way.
I was bleseed and I threw it all away with my breakdown. School did cause ulcerative colitis. But I could work elsewhere. But I can’t or think I cant., the pitbull wont let me. CD won’t let me.
GOD PLEASE.
Half an hour. I should be okay or much beter in another half hour. Fuck this is a bad one. aall muscles contracting . toes curling fingers rigid body shaking. I cannot physically get off this couch. I am such a fucking loser.
SCRREEEEEEEEAAAAAM.
I just did. Don’t really feel better. Head jerks back and forth. Thank GOD for e cigarettes.
I got to church early on CHRISTMAS EVE so I could pray and say the ROSARY.
GOD wants something from me I think. He wants me to swear to him to not kill myself in these coming months when the toughest decisions will have to be made. He wants me to promise him to not kill myself. I don’t break promised to GOD so I promise I won’t then I can’t…
You’d think it’s be a no brainer. Okay GOD I promise not to kill myself and destroy my family. Although why they care about me is beyond me. But they say that I would destroy them. That should be an easy promise to make.
GOD I PROMISE TO NOT KILL MYSELF.
I tried to make it that night. CHRISTMAS eve but I couldn’t. I’ve given myself to the new year to give GOD an answer. If I do promise not to kill myself will things get better. If I can’t promise GOD that will things get worse. But I gotta feel it in my heart. I have to have that exit plan. I have too.
I’m not living a life. I’m pretending. Going through habits. Putting on a face. Tomorrow I’m supposed to go to burning bed. I am supposed too no I should get a fucking job. But I can’t even bag groceries or work in a gift shop. Good use of 7 years of education bitch.
I want to feel it in my heart—to be able to promise GOD in my heart with no reservations—but I can’t I want too but cant.
And I’m so fucking shellfish. Shellfish shelf selfish selfish selfish. Sellfish. Cant do it . acan’t spell the word.
I was supposed to come here to heal. But gpa is changing. I will not let him go into a nursting home. But can I be a full time caregiver. I know I over react. I remember pop. Gpa won’t necessarily be like pope. For a good five or six years Alzheimers progressed. Gpa—only in the last year. Even if gpa does have A he wouldn’t live to see the worst of it.
I’m scared. What if he gets worse/ he was my rock. The holy city was my holy place and now there is an earthquake coming. I’m sorry aunt faerie.
Shaking is subsiding some. I can uncurl my toes. Now I’m twitching. Still don’t’ know if I can get off the couch.
If gpa does decline more he deserves care and help and love and compassion. I don’t’ know if I can do it.
I can’t even make the commitment to live.
No wonder I can’t see a tomorrow. Or fashion a future. A deep dark hidden part of me isn’t commiteed to life. How fucked up is that/ my thoughts are like tree lights all tangled up. Fuck me.
Mom dad gaia aunt faerie Martha—I am not gonna kill myself tonight or tomorrow night I promised before that I wouldn’t kill myself in 2016. I wont. I swear to GOD. I ain’t going back to no fucking hospital. So that’s what I can do right now as the pitbull draws blood and CD sings with glee. I won’t kill myself in 2016.
But why am I even here/
This is what thoughts—uncensored thoughts come to my mind during a bad panic attack. Nope—still fucking shaking. Goddamnit.
I just want to dispear. There has to be something better than this…there has to be otherwise I’m done.
AND THE WORST FUCKING THING THAT EVOKES RAGE AND GUILT TOWARD MY OWN SELF IS THAT I AM FUCKING DO THIS TO MY OWN SELF. I AM FUCKING UP AGAIN AND AGAINA AND AGAIN.
I just want
Okay—it’s easing up now. Yup an hour. I don’t wanna think anymore.
I’m not here. I am in Nebraska on the Buffalo Hunt and in a little over an hour Mrs. Rancher is gonna make dinner. I am gonna shower, and have some of her AMAZING coffee with a cigarette on the couch in the bunk house. Tomorrow I will run through the fields on the ranch. Just run and scream until I stop falling.
“Fuck me, Freddy.” Stephen King
Smoke ‘em if ya’ got ‘em. God Blesss
In the name of The Father, Son, and Holy Spirit; Mother Mary, Saint Brigid; Saint Jude; Saint Therese Lisieux; Saint Peter; Archangel Michael, and my Guardian Angel, Jed.
PS: Not proof reading this one.
Fuck up Kate, out, 10-4 Rubber Ducky.
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