He Is Risen

Dear Hearts

God Bless You This Easter Day!

I had such serenity going into the day. That is gone now.

G-Pa needs to go to the hospital and won’t. He’s mad because I put up a picture I painted for Gram? I put it up on the wall above her chair with little bits of tape. Nothing is being ruined. I am not fucking taking it down. I am having an episode. Popped two milligrams of Xanax. He has a UTI. He was in the hospital for 24 hours with low BP and dehydration. Now he can’t go to the bathroom and he’s bloated but refuses to drink water.

This was supposed to be MY DAY. MY BREAK. I had to get that out there. I am not taking him on any fucking drive. And the picture is not fucking coming down.

That’ what I said to her every night before I went to bed. She would be reading in her chair and I would kiss her on the check and her fragrance would come to me as I felt her hair tickled my cheek. Yes, that picture is free-hand, with the help of tutorials.

I am trying really hard to recapture that Serenity…

*******

Dear God,

Thank you for Mass last night. I talked to you among the burbling fountain, fragrant lilacs, colorful tulips, and elegant daffodils.

I swear to you, God, that I will not take my own life, I will not commit suicide, I will not kill myself from this Easter to next Easter. Next Easter I want to, I intend to renew my vow. Give me the conviction and strength to do renew that vow. But, from now until next Easter I will not take my own life.

I will want to. I will think about it. I will obsess about it. I will plan it out and mourn the loss of my Exit Strategy. But, I won’t do it. I will give Mom or Aunt Faerie the pills, Visine, sharp objects if I have to…I will not go back to a hospital. I will not take my own life no matter how great the desire. I swear.

I cannot do this…I cannot pack up my New York life…

Without You.

I cannot do it alone. I need You.

That’s what I heard over and over in my head last night during prayer until I heard a whisper.

“I can’t do it…” I said.

“Without me…” You said. “Without me.”

I need you, Jesus.

I throw myself at your feet; I give all of my life up to you. I follow your Path. Thy Will Be Done. You are The Alpha and Omega. The light in the darkness.

I turn all of the good, bad, and ugly over to you.

Ever Faithful and Cautiously Hopeful,

Kate

*******

Dear Harper,

You are such a beautiful little girl. I will never forget how you lit my Easter candle. And that I walked in front of you so you wouldn’t have to worry about “burning anyone.” Your lavender and eyelet lace dress was much prettier than mine. Your freckles and eyes…I wish all good things for you, Harper. I see God’s face in you. Never lose Hope. Be better than I. Thank you.

Lovingly,

Bridgette

*******

Dear T.

I forgive you. Father said forgiveness is a choice, an act of will. You don’t forget and you may not always feel forgiving, but you can make the choice to forgive.

I watched the RCIA candidates with their sponsors last night…regardless of what happened between us, you will always be my sponsor. You stood beside me as I joined Mother Church. That bond will never be broken. I forgive you.

I will always love you.

I did LIKE you picture of you and Cinderella on Facebook last night. You messaged me that you are a Royal Arch Mason now. I don’t know if you are telling the truth or not. I will not be in your life. You cannot be in my life. I am still angry with you, but I forgive you.

Kate

*******

Dear Asshole,

I forgive you, too. You were my husband. I will always love you and sometimes even miss you.

Then…Kate

*******

What a vastly different Easter than last year, or any other year.

I felt so disconnected from Easter until last night. I didn’t go to Mass Thursday or Friday. I was with G-Pa. Yesterday, in the 80-degree sun, after not being out of the hospital 24 hours, he was weeding.

I stopped that.

I made a wish upon the first star I saw last night.

I may have lost a fingernail or two, but I clawed my way up the slippery walls of the well. I see light…

I smiled at myself in the mirror today. For the first time in a long, long time, I think may have Hope.

Smoke ‘em if ya’ got ‘em. God Bless

In the name of The Father, Son, and Holy Spirit; Mother Mary, Saint Brigid; Saint Jude; Saint Therese Lisieux; Saint Peter; Archangel Michael, and my Guardian Angel, Jed.

PS: Even on Easter—to the woman who yelled at me yesterday from the passing car “to put some clothes on!”—I, clad in my work out two-piece, was sweeping up grass clippings after mowing the lawn—my “Fuck You!” still stands. I’m almost 40. Do you got what I got? I doubt it. My milkshake is better than yours. My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard.

AND, I was not being “sexy,” I was being comfortable. You think I am going be all sexy on the Avenue across from the elementary school? Yeah, that’s my grand plan for finding a husband.

Just remember, My Milkshake is better than yours. “Who's the little mouse now? Bitch!”

PPS: I'm gonna make that lion my BITCH.

PPPS: Angel snores quietly beside me. Tonight, sleep with me! I feed you, cat!

PPPPS: Me and The Ten Commandments, baby. I love it when Charlton Heston parts the red sea. Ramses, you been served!

PPPPPS: Thank you Aunt Faerie! You rule!

Grateful For:

Health

Faith

Family

Pie and pastries

Being Here

Coffee

Warm nights