Just Being There

Dear Hearts,

I have a choice at this 2.30 p.m. Central Time: pay bills or blog. My choice is obvious. Tomorrow is official bill day anyway. Angel is nestled on Mom’s bed. Traitor!

The reality of what is before me weighs on me now that I am no longer in crisis mode. I felt such a sense of serenity after Easter Vigil Mass.

Mom just took G-Pa out for a drive.

“Kate’s not going? I thought she liked taking drives,” said G-Pa.

“She does,” said Mom. “She just has some computer work that she has been putting off.”

And the Oscar for Best Actress goes to Kate Therese Kennedy!

I fought G-Pa and G-Pa won by telling Mom to tell me to take the picture I made for Gram down. I did. I hung it in my bedroom.

Post Blog Events Sunday:

I broke THE CARDINAL RULE. My first cigarette and coffee of the day are sacred. I have said it before and I mean it. If Christ to come while I was having my first cigarette and coffee of the day, he’d just have to wait. Because of G-Pa, that Sacred Ritual was interrupted. Oh, Hell, No. This did not bode well.

My only goal for Easter Sunday was to watch the Ten Commandments and blog. I blogged. I relaxed with a few cigarettes and coffee. About 9.00 or so, I was showered and ready to eat Aunt Faerie’s leftover pasta and watch Heston at his best. Then G-Pa decided that yes, we should go to the ER. Did he go willingly? Abso-fucking-lutely not.

Let’s put it this way, I fought G-Pa and I won.

Easter night I learned how to change a catheter night bag to a day bag and how to empty the said bags.

Aunt Faerie came to the hospital to “just be there.” What a difference another person can make. Just to have someone else there. You’re not alone. It’s not all on you. Just her being there…Thank you, God.

Don’t tell Aunt Faerie, cause I was really gonna eat the past Sunday night, but then I got home so late I couldn’t…I had to throw it away (after a week). Instead, I had oatmeal and a banana to justify my eating the Amish Pumpkin Cinnamon Roll she bought me from The Garden House.

I got as far as Moses returning to Egypt to demand Pharaoh “Let my people go.”

Monday, Mom Flying In At 4.15:

I had to get up early to make phone calls and appointments for G-Pa about the catheter and doctor. I did. He had taken care of the catheter all by himself. It was only selfishness, wishful thinking, and exhaustion that allowed me to go back to sleep thinking that.

I wake up around 10 a.m. and realize G-Pa is in the garden pulling weeds! WTF?! His pants are wet because he didn’t connect the catheter at all.

Okay. I got G-Pa inside and got the catheter connected. I am now really, really concerned about his judgment. I know that he didn’t recognize me for a minute when I was in the hospital. I am freaked now.

“What do you want for lunch? There is turkey and potatoes from Aunt Faeire?”

“No, I just want something light. I’ll eat this cherry pie”

Okay, well the cherry pie is homemade and is fruit. The day before for lunch he had canned pears and chips. So, that’s an improvement.

Taking his car keys and my car, I do a Walmart run for Prozac and the Eastern food I am supposed to bring to the meeting Tuesday.

“What kind of platter would you like? Would could make you one for tomorrow.”

“I don’t give a shit…I am not trying to impress anyone and I don’t care. Salami and pepperoni?...no…these are old people…yeah, I’ll stick with Hormel’s honeyed ham and turkey.

I decided to forgo my first cigarette and coffee until I got home from the airport because we had to leave at 3 p.m. I am not gonna rush my cigarette.

G-Pa and I drive to Moline. At least he doesn’t criticize my driving because we’re in my car and he can’t see the speedometer. I do not smoke. I do not drink coffee. I drive in silence for an hour with G-Pa.

UNDERSTAND that I love G-Pa and even with all the stuff that had gone down at this point…I still would rather be here than in NY. But I gotta get it out.

Mommy. Mom. I hugged her. When did she get so small? She is the Mom, she is supposed to be bigger than me and envelop me in her arms.

Mom takes G-Pa to dinner at Aunt Faerie’s house. I still have an omelet (shouldn’t there be two “l’s?) to eat. Aunt Faerie took the hit for me Sunday night and went out to dinner with G-Pa and let me stay home. She brought home dinner to me. I was so grateful. I just needed a break.

G-Pa was cognitively declining and fast. He didn’t understand the catheter, his meds…his judgment was severely impaired.

So, Mom takes G-Pa to Aunt Faerie’s for dinner. I sit and have the best fucking cup of coffee and cigarette ever! I taste the coffee. I hold it in my mouth, letting all my taste buds explore the flavor. I can’t easily describe it…the Gevalia Coffee I drink…it tastes just the right amount of bitter…and earthy. That’s the best I could come up with. Earthy. I relax. I have TWO cigarettes with my coffee while reading The Forgotten Room, a great book by Lincoln Child.

By the time Mom and G-Pa come home, I am doing okay. Tired. But, okay. I shower, take my time, eat, watch some of The Ten Commandments. Mom comforts me by just sitting in Gram’s chair and doing her thing.

After wrestling is over for G-Pa at 10 p.m. Mom and I would help G-Pa with his cath bag. I am quietly watching Moses and Sephora and starting to outline my St. Michael Wolf drawing in ink. Mom is in the kitchen.

“I think I have a problem,” I hear G-Pa say.

“OH MY GOD, DAD!” screams my mother as I hatefully, but carefully put down my drawing and fly into the kitchen.

How can I describe the scene?

Mom compared the scene to an abortion! I didn’t know she even had any abortion points of reference.

For women, it might be a typical Monday night when her period has gotten really heavy and she’s been caught unawares.

When blood is covering your 96-year-old grandfather underwear and pants and he has ripped out his catheter, you don’t think—you move.

“I don’t need to go to the hospital. It’s stopped bleeding.”

Mom was yelling, I, clad in jeans and a bra, was pleading with G-Pa that we were going to the ER. He is pissed. We “women are just getting all excited.”

The doctor and nurses tended to agree with us “excited women.”

“You pulled the catheter out yourself!?” asked the stunned doctor.

“Well, it’s been in there long enough. I have seen doctors take them out. I could do it.”

By the Grace of God, he did not do any serious damage. The sent us home with Depends and a sorry G-Pa.

I got as far as Moses and his people crossing the Red Sea, when I went to bed at 1.21 a.m.

Tuesday, Urology Appointment Day:

Mom took the hit and took G-Pa to the urologist who fucking stupid ass nurses said there was no appointment. Mom rarely gets mad, but there was that time at Friendly’s when Gaia and her friend order $35 worth of appetizers…and this time…the MD was in surgery. They called him. Mom can be formidable. She didn’t get the money back at Friendly’s, but she got the nurses to call the MD. He confirmed the appointment. BAM! BITCHES! YOU BEEN SERVED!

I was so tired I was incoherent. I took a “hard” nap in the afternoon. You know, the ones where as soon as you lie down you start dreaming a bit and then there is nothing until you wake.

Slowly as the day wore on, G-Pa became less confused and more himself. I can’t remember how many Xanxes I had taken since Thursday. I know I had an episode at the hospital Monday night.

Last night G-Pa went to his Club meeting and Mom had Chinese food with Aunt Faerie and Bugsy. I relaxed with my cigarette and coffee. Again, earthy. Mom and I took a walk. We found a swastika spray-painted on the sidewalk outside a Protestant Church.

Who does that?

I have not had time so much to think about me leaving here and ending my life in NY, but it’s creeping back.

I don’t wanna.

This past week I have been worried, frustrated, mad, sad, and bewildered with G-Pa, but I still love him, and I still want to be Here.

Oh, and by the way, Moses passed the Staff to Joshua who finally led the Hebrews to the Promised Land.  

Smoke ‘em if ya’ got ‘em. God Bless

In the name of The Father, Son, and Holy Spirit; Mother Mary, Saint Brigid; Saint Jude; Saint Therese Lisieux; Saint Peter; Archangel Michael, and my Guardian Angel, Jed.

PS: Bitch, next time you get pushy with me at the pharmacy counter in Walmart, I won’t take a minute to hold my temper with the help of Mother Mary. I will go Jersey on your wrinkled ass.

PPS: Time for cigarette and coffee. Hell, yeah. 

Grateful For:

Bunnies

Angel sleeping with me

Mom

Drawing

Coffee

Cigarettes

A good book

Warm days

Warm nights