You Too Can Be A Saint!

Dear Hearts,

The joy of anxiety and OCD—and just being in general nuts...

I am having an episode now. So pardon the grammar. The Xanax is tamping down the physical shaking but not the demons in my head.

Tomorrow the Burning Bed wants me to answer just regular phone calls while there is a staff meeting. And the Janey, who is the main front desk woman, has had a cold or virus for two weeks. She is still hacking. Yes, I’ve got Lysol and wipes—but the idea of using her stuff that she has touched—the computer, phone, chair all of it—is just horrifying. It is provoking a physical crisis-flight response.

I know it doesn’t make sense. She’s probably not contagious—but I don’t want to touch anything. I can’t help this feeling—it is paralyzing. The germs…the germs…I swear there is something so broken in my brain. People who don’t have OCD don’t get it. it is a terrifying prison that shrinks your world.

Halloween. All Hallow’s Eve. The night before All Saints’ Day. 

“All Saints' Day is a solemn holy day of the Catholic Church celebrated annually on November 1. The day is dedicated to the saints of the Church, that is, all those who have attained heaven. It should not be confused with All Souls' Day, which is observed on November 2, and is dedicated to those who have died and not yet reached heaven.

Although millions, or even billions of people may already be saints, All Saints' Day observances tend to focus on known saints --that is those recognized in the canon of the saints by the Catholic Church.” Catholic Online

So apparently on All Souls Day November 2, we are supposed to pray for the souls of the dead in purgatory. Yeah, whatever. I do not buy that Gram or Pope is in purgatory being cleansed off all their sins before they can get into heaven. That’s just plain fucking stupid. The Catholic Church—to whom I am devoted—fucking make that shit up to hijack a Pagan holiday. (I am devoted to my family and my country—that doesn’t mean I always agree with them. Disagreeing and devotion are not mutually exclusive.) The Catholics were determined to convert the Pagans somehow. For Pagans Samhain or Halloween is the Pagan new year and the year that the veil between This Life and The After Life is the thinnest. 

But tomorrow is a Day of Holy Obligation. Unless it falls on a Friday or Monday and then can be celebrated with Sunday Mass. Or if the Vatican just decides to make it so. I imagine it came about as a way the heathen Pagans into Church after all their occulting.

I just learned the following. Man, I wish I’d been able to take a real RCIA class.

“First, let’s talk about All Saints’ Day (Nov. 1). Anyone in heaven is a saint. And that is the goal of our lives, for to gain heaven means allowing God to make us saints” The Faith Explained Cale Clarke.

Okay, so tomorrow I celebrate and honor all those in Heaven. That’s a helluva lot of people in my book. Gram and Pop and so many others I love and admire are in Heaven. Nancy and Ronnie aren’t dancing in Heaven? Screw that. Of course, they are

I did not know that anyone who made it to Heaven is a Saint. That explains a lot about things I’ve read and heard—that Mother Mary and Christ want us all to be Saints. Huh. Saints = Heavenly Attainment. But only the special Saints have feast days. The ones who, you know, made miracles and such happen.

Actually, that is pretty comforting. Because one can pray to the Saints for intercession—so I can pray to Gram and Pop for intercession. Huh. On the other hand, when I die I will not be a Saint. Heaven or not. No way. That’s actually a revolutionary idea. All those is Heaven are Saints—but how do we know when our dead have attained Heaven?

The Catholics have no issue with Halloween

“Of course they can! The name Halloween comes from All Hallow’s Eve, meaning the day before All Saints Day — those we call hallowed or holy as we hear in the Our Father.

However, we obviously want to steer people away from things like dabbling with the occult, or seances, or other kinds of “black magic” that would be contrary to our beliefs.

By the same token, if we are dressing up for Halloween we indeed should notice our style of dress and check to make sure that we are chaste in manner.

But dressing up children and sending them trick-or-treating is fine (and fun!) to do and is not contrary to our Catholic principles.” Busted Halo Catholic Channel.

 Seances, Ouija boards, automatic writing—you don’t fuck with that. You don’t open the door and invited someone in without running of risk of letting in unintended others.

So my tarot cards and Goddess necklace are occult. 

Did Jesus make up these rules? I am thinking…no. 

Yet, despite her flaws I love the Catholic Church. Tomorrow I will receive the Eucharist—even though I’ve been bad about attending Mass and Reconciliation (not easy to find necessarily). I will be Redeemed and Atoned by the Blood and Body of Christ until I walk back to my pew and pray on my knees. I know that I sin somewhere between the actually receiving of The Eucharist and kneeling.

So not what I intended this blog to be. But this is what it is. I love it when that happens. Creativity—my Gift from God (writing)—The Holy Spirit guides my hands.

I was gonna write about what I want. But I don’t fucking know, so this post was probably the better part of valor. 

G-Pa and I did not hand out candy tonight. I send a few kids away. I thought about giving out cigarettes instead of candy—but cigarettes are fucking expensive.

Smoke ‘em if ya’ got ‘em. God Bless

In the name of The Father, Son, and Holy Spirit; Mother Mary, Saint Brigid; Saint Jude; Saint Therese Lisieux; Saint Peter; Archangel Michael, and my Guardian Angel, Jed.

What Do You Want?

Dear Hearts,

Tonight will be short. Of course, I’ve said that before.

Devil’s Night. The night The Crow gets his revenge. Date me by that allusion.

I remember an interview with that actor. He said to appreciate each day—each sunrise and full moon, because you never know how many there will be. I’ve never forgotten that.

I hear the rattler and the demons are rumbling.

I AM SO OVER FEELING LIKE I FORGOT TO DO SOMETHING—I OUGHT TO DO SOMETHING—OR I’M GOING TO GET IN TROUBLE.

I am almost done with Season 6 of The Walking Dead. Deanna told Michonne, “You have to figure out what you want. What you want to do.” I am kinda paraphrasing.

What do I want to do? I have not bloody idea. I am guessing at what I am supposed to do, I have little idea of what I ought to do…What do I want to do?

I bought an 8 dollar pencil and sketchbook set. I have wanted to learn to draw for so long. My mom can do it and Gaia can do it. Why can’t I? That’s what I want to do. I want to learn how to draw.

I want to stop feeling like a cat on a hot tin roof.

I want to kill the rattler and the demons that make me fearful, guilty, sorry, and just not fucking good enough.

I want to go back to 1988 and be with E. playing Magical Beasts in the basement.

I want to know that I am not failing God by not going to Mass as I should.

I want a life outside of the well. Because inside the well—there is no life.

Sasha Williams: “You don't have to throw yourself out of a moving car... to feel like you're calling the ball. That's easy. You jump out of an airplane, you don't have choices after that. Maybe you play some chicken with the ground, but you pull the rip cord, you live. But if you have a roof over your head, you have food, you have walls... you have choices. And without walkers and bullets and shit hitting the fan, you're accountable for them. I mean, hell, you're always accountable. It's just with all that other noise, you know people won't notice.” The Walking Dead

The Walkers—Zombies—they live in my head. They are the demons and the rattler. They are trying taking me down from the inside…

What do I want?

 Smoke ‘em if ya’ got ‘em. God Bless

In the name of The Father, Son, and Holy Spirit; Mother Mary, Saint Brigid; Saint Jude; Saint Therese Lisieux; Saint Peter; Archangel Michael, and my Guardian Angel, Jed.

Dear Kate God Knows

Dear Kate,

Adah here again. I know you’re having a moderately-bad episode. I’m not sure why your episode affects my grammar and spelling but it does. Empathy, I guess.

Four years ago you were debilitated in a hospital bleeding internally not knowing if you would ever eat or live ‘normally’ again. You were afraid you’d never be able to smoke again. As it turned out your few cigarettes are good for your UC…the non-smoker’s colitis. (Typically smokers don’t get ulcerative colitis. Nicotine actually works to ease uc.)

Four years ago you were living in a locked rooms and felt terror every time you came home. You were just managing at teaching. You, hooked up to heart monitors,  sat in the hospital bed and dictated an affidavit to your mom for your lawyer during one of the worst hurricane’s the north-east coast ever had.

Four years ago you were afraid you were going to lose your house to Asshole. You were afraid of everything. You’re world was falling apart.

Four years ago you asked your dad for a rosary because you—who were “in negotiations with Jesus”—asked him to take the pain away. He didn’t. But, he helped you bear it. Mother Mary helped you bear it.

The one thing that you felt you could not lose—the one thing that you felt for sure you would kill yourself if you lost it. Without a doubt you would take your own life—always there has been the tacit agreement that if that one thing (let’s call it X) happened you could kill yourself. Not take the Nuclear Option but open your wrists  and smoke a cigarette while you bled out.

You told Ingrid, your surrogate Gran, yesterday about X. About how X might happen. You never spoke the words to anyone before. And, she, one of Gram’s closest friends and G-Pa’s “adopted” sister, held you like you sobbed and sobbed. But you were able to admit X might happen and that, well…it might…we’ll leave it at that. You said X out loud.

Two years ago this month you were getting your brain shocked because of your hourly episodes and constant suicidal thoughts. Your hair was falling out. You’d had to leave school. A month and a half later you OD’ed. Then you were certain—and you told your shrinks and therapists this: you would kill yourself if T. left you.

Tonight you sat outside and erased all the old voice messages from T. and his family. AND you just erased T. and all his family and friends—except Cinderella and her mother—from your contacts. You deleted him from your contacts and your phone messages. Okay, you still have the texts. But the other is a HUGE step.

When you prayed tonight all you could muster was a HELP. That’s okay.

And by the by--"Here I Stay"--yes, she stayed, but she was a ghost. Dead. 

God knows what’s in your heart. Saint Jude doesn’t need a novena to comfort you. They know your heart. Christ is helping to carry you, just HOLD ON a little longer. “It’s not dark yet.”

Now, go smoke and watch Reddington kill bad people. AND, color! Fuck those people who are all like--oh, coloring is mind-numbing. You should create your own designs. Eww. Well, if they lived in your head...they'd never make it out alive. And, remember photoshop? You never thought you'd be to doll, but you did and you were good at it. So if you want to learn to draw: you will. 

Smoke ‘em if ya’ got ‘em. God Bless

In the name of The Father, Son, and Holy Spirit; Mother Mary, Saint Brigid; Saint Jude; Saint Therese Lisieux; Saint Peter; Archangel Michael, and my Guardian Angel, Jed.

PS: See the Xanax is working. Your episode is abating. The shaking is slowing.

PPS: Yes, you missed Mass again. But you did God's work today. You didn't have to. But you did and made G-Pa happy. You didn't want to. But you did so unbegrudgingly--as far as G-Pa knows. You and Aunt Faeries begrudged a bit--bit hey, you have to vent a little when you're going to see a big Injun's head.

Saint Jude's Feast Day

Saint Jude Thaddeus

I honor you. I am a living witness to you. Through your intercession, I live.

Thank You.

Please Come and Get Me...

Dear Hearts

“I wish somebody would just come and get me, because I don't like this anymore! 

I really wish somebody would just come and take me away! Just take me away! 

Goddamn it! I can't take this! I'm sorry, but I just can't! I wish somebody...would 

just come to my rescue, and everything would be all right!” True Romance

I am so fucking tired of feeling this way. So tired. 

The well is dark and damp and I can’t see the light. 

And, I have no reason to feel this way so then I feel guilty. 

Who the fuck has a panic attack having pie with G-Pa? 

I just want the demons to shut the motherfuck up.

Please St. Michael. Christ? God? Mother Mary?

Novena to Saint Jude

“Most holy Apostle, St. Jude faithful servant and friend of Jesus, the Church 

honors and invokes you universally, as the patron of difficult cases, of things almost 

despaired of, Pray for me, I am so helpless and alone.

Intercede with God for me that He bring visible and speedy help 

where help is almost despaired of. Come to my assistance in the great need 

that I may receive the consolation and help of have in 

all my necessities, tribulations, and sufferings, 

particularly--my depression, panic attacks, and inner turmoil—and that I 

may praise God with you and all the saints forever. I promise, O Blessed St. Jude, to be 

ever mindful of this great favor granted me by God and to always honor 

You as my special and powerful patron, and to gratefully encourage devotion to you. Amen.

May the Most Sacred Heart of Jesus be adored, and loved in all the tabernacles until the 

end of time. Amen

May the most Sacred Heart of Jesus be praised and glorified now and forever. Amen

St. Jude pray for us and hear our prayers. Amen.

Blessed by the Sacred Heart of Jesus

Blessed be the Immaculate Heart of Mary

Blessed be St. Jude Thaddeus, in al the world and for all Eternity.” EWTN

“Our Father Who art in Heaven

Hallowed be thy name

Thy Kingdom come

Thy Will be done

On Earth as it is in Heaven

Give us this day our daily bread

And forgive us our sins 

As we forgive those who sin against us

Lead us not into temptation 

but deliver us from Evil

For Thine is Kingdome and Glory

Forever and ever. Amen.”

“Hail Mary Full of Grace

The Lord is with Thee

Blessed art Thou among women

And blessed is the Fruit of Thy womb, Jesus.

Holy Mary, Mother of God, 

Pray for us sinners now and at the hour of our death.

Amen.”

“Glory be to the Father, Son, and Holy Spirit. As it was in the 

Beginning, is now, and ever shall be, world without end. Amen.”

“Angel of God, 

My Guardian Dear

To Whose Love commits me hear

Ever this day be by my side

To light and guard

Rule and guide.”

The Lord is My Shepherd, I shall not want. He maketh me to lie down in green pastures. 

He leadeth me besides still waters. He restoreth my sould. 

He leadeth me on the path for righteousness for His Namesake. 

Yea, though I walk through the Shadow of the Valley of Death 
I shall fear not Evil, for Thou art with me. Thy rod and Thy staff comfort me. 

Thou perparest a table before me amidst mine enemies. Thy annoinest my head with oil. 

My cup runneth over. Surely Goodness and Mercy shall follow me 

all the days of my life and I will dwell in the House of the Lord forever. Amen.

Smoke ‘em if ya’ got ‘em. God Bless

In the name of The Father, Son, and Holy Spirit; Mother Mary, Saint Brigid; Saint Jude; Saint Therese Lisieux; Saint Peter; Archangel Michael, and my Guardian Angel, Jed.

PS: All but the Novena typed from memory.