What Do You Want?

Dear Hearts,

Tonight will be short. Of course, I’ve said that before.

Devil’s Night. The night The Crow gets his revenge. Date me by that allusion.

I remember an interview with that actor. He said to appreciate each day—each sunrise and full moon, because you never know how many there will be. I’ve never forgotten that.

I hear the rattler and the demons are rumbling.

I AM SO OVER FEELING LIKE I FORGOT TO DO SOMETHING—I OUGHT TO DO SOMETHING—OR I’M GOING TO GET IN TROUBLE.

I am almost done with Season 6 of The Walking Dead. Deanna told Michonne, “You have to figure out what you want. What you want to do.” I am kinda paraphrasing.

What do I want to do? I have not bloody idea. I am guessing at what I am supposed to do, I have little idea of what I ought to do…What do I want to do?

I bought an 8 dollar pencil and sketchbook set. I have wanted to learn to draw for so long. My mom can do it and Gaia can do it. Why can’t I? That’s what I want to do. I want to learn how to draw.

I want to stop feeling like a cat on a hot tin roof.

I want to kill the rattler and the demons that make me fearful, guilty, sorry, and just not fucking good enough.

I want to go back to 1988 and be with E. playing Magical Beasts in the basement.

I want to know that I am not failing God by not going to Mass as I should.

I want a life outside of the well. Because inside the well—there is no life.

Sasha Williams: “You don't have to throw yourself out of a moving car... to feel like you're calling the ball. That's easy. You jump out of an airplane, you don't have choices after that. Maybe you play some chicken with the ground, but you pull the rip cord, you live. But if you have a roof over your head, you have food, you have walls... you have choices. And without walkers and bullets and shit hitting the fan, you're accountable for them. I mean, hell, you're always accountable. It's just with all that other noise, you know people won't notice.” The Walking Dead

The Walkers—Zombies—they live in my head. They are the demons and the rattler. They are trying taking me down from the inside…

What do I want?

 Smoke ‘em if ya’ got ‘em. God Bless

In the name of The Father, Son, and Holy Spirit; Mother Mary, Saint Brigid; Saint Jude; Saint Therese Lisieux; Saint Peter; Archangel Michael, and my Guardian Angel, Jed.