My Truth In 5 Easy Steps: How Do You Like Them Apples?

Dear Hearts,

My Truth (or part of it):

1.     I love coloring. Every time I feel guilty because coloring isn’t “productive” or “creative” enough I am going to say a Hail Mary instead of googling article to validate my guilt or love of coloring.

Although I didn’t know that Satan can take you over if you color a mandala! I shade and I use different colors mindfully. I pick what I color mindfully. I may not be drawing—but I did lots of pixel art and this is the coloring side of it. I am making someone else’s outline my own.

CRITICS (those who can’t criticize) say that coloring stifles creativity and is mind-numbing. It’s like watching Netflix. It allows people to be to be lazy and not creative. Well, fuck them. When I am coloring an angel or a Bible version, I am praying in motion. I pick colors symbolically. Yes, coloring gives me structure. It’s a helluva lot better than OCD tendencies like hand-washing until your skin bleeds.

And if we go with that thought that people ought to draw their own pictures instead of color, then shouldn’t people write their own books, instead of reading? Make their own movies, instead of watching them? Make their own recipes, instead of following them?

For me, yes, coloring relaxes me, but it is also an experience. It’s soothing. Healthier than taking more Xanax.

So I am gonna continue to color.

2.     I don’t watch mindless TV. Well, yeah, I do in the mornings sometimes. But, at night when I sit down for a three-hour binge, I am not watching mindless TV.

If The Walking Dead doesn’t make you think, then you’re choosing not to think. That show is not about zombies, it’s about the essence of who were are as humans.

I love Reddington on The Black List. He is the urbane man’s villain---the anti-hero you root for. He is also a ruthless killer—but only when they deserve killing. And Lizzy, his protégé, who hasn’t wanted to lock up and torture someone who has lied and betrayed trust?

I could go on. But, I relate to characters. They become my friends, my inspiration…if I said that about characters in a book, no one would say that’s unhealthy or stupid. So TV, movie, and book characters become a part of my life. I get to ride with Wyatt and his immortals.

3.     I like smoking. Is it good for me? No. I smoke four or five American Spirit cigarettes a day. They are all natural—only the diseases Mother Nature intended. I don’t eat fast food, drink, or do a lot of other “harmful” things. So, guess what? If I die ten years earlier—I will enjoy my cigarettes. No one likes a quitter. And, I don’t care what the DOCTORS say. Smoking four natural cigarettes is not the same as a half pack a day. I have had so much pain…I think about suicide (THINKING IS NOT DOING, MOM). Fuck it, smoking is better than OD’ing. That’s what gets me through the day: American Spirits.

THE HORROR! SHE SMOKES! Yeah, the horror I am not out-of-shape or over-weight. I don’t eat a half pound of meat and six pieces of bacon at Wendy’s. I eat health with one bad thing a day.

4.     I am a germa-phobe. I have OCD and anxiety. I always will. I don’t shake hands and I don’t want to see you if you are sick. Does my OCD affect you? No. So shut the fuck up about it. Not liking the number 13 and crossing myself whenever I see the number 13—is it weird, maybe. But, I just don’t give a fuck anymore.

You ain’t gonna cure it. I have had it since childhood and off all the things I need to work on in my life my OCD isn’t at the top of the list.

OCD is my barometer. The more stressed I get, the worse my OCD. So, I know that when my OCD gets out of hand, then I need to adjust things in my life.

5.     I don’t like getting up before nine. a.m. Fucking deal with it. I will stay up until one a.m., but I don’t like getting up a five or six. I have and I will again, but I don’t have to pretend to like it.

I may never work another 40 hour-a-week job. If I tried now, I guarantee cost would be my physical and mental health. If I’m here for G-Pa every day and make his quality of life better, is that less important than working a full-time job?

In college and teaching, I always doubled down and did twice as much as I needed to. In college, it paid off—with mono as a cost. But then again, almsot 20 years later who the fuck cares that I had a 3.94 or graduated Suma Cum Laude or Cum Laude. (I graduated SUMA CUM LAUDE.)

As a teacher, nothing I did was good enough for the bosses. And, I went above and beyond. My reward: Ulcerative Colitis. I didn’t sign up to be please the admins. I wanted to be a good teacher to the kids. But, that was the least important thing to the admin.

Every time I want to call myself a fucking bitch, loser and feel guilty—I will say a Hail Mary. (I will probably still feel guilty and call myself a fucking bitch, loser—but I’ll be saying a lot of Hail Marys.

God, do as thou willst. Show me your way.

Smoke ‘em if ya’ got ‘em. God Bless

In the name of The Father, Son, and Holy Spirit; Mother Mary, Saint Brigid; Saint Jude; Saint Therese Lisieux; Saint Peter; Archangel Michael, and my Guardian Angel, Jed.

PS: “That’s the thing about decision…you don’t have to talk yourself into the right ones.” Tom Selleck, Blue Bloods

PPS: Martha says I am doing really great and hard work in therapy. I should be proud of myself. I don't know if I believe her, but I'd like to.

PPPS: Coloring, critics I may not be able to draw. But I pounded this out in under an hour. (By the Grace of God and St. Brigid.)

HOW DO YOU LIKE THEM APPLES?

PPPPS: Material things can never fill the void…the hole.

What if…can I stay there and be happy?

Psalm 91 

King James Version—the only real translation.

He that dwelleth in the secret place of the most High shall abide under the shadow of the Almighty.

² I will say of the Lord, He is my refuge and my fortress: my God; in him will I trust.

³ Surely he shall deliver thee from the snare of the fowler, and from the noisome pestilence.

⁴ He shall cover thee with his feathers, and under his wings shalt thou trust: his truth shall be thy shield and buckler.

⁵ Thou shalt not be afraid for the terror by night; nor for the arrow that flieth by day;

⁶ Nor for the pestilence that walketh in darkness; nor for the destruction that wasteth at noonday.

⁷ A thousand shall fall at thy side, and ten thousand at thy right hand; but it shall not come nigh thee.

⁸ Only with thine eyes shalt thou behold and see the reward of the wicked.

⁹ Because thou hast made the Lord, which is my refuge, even the most High, thy habitation;

¹⁰ There shall no evil befall thee, neither shall any plague come nigh thy dwelling.

¹¹ For he shall give his angels charge over thee, to keep thee in all thy ways.

¹² They shall bear thee up in their hands, lest thou dash thy foot against a stone.

¹³ Thou shalt tread upon the lion and adder: the young lion and the dragon shalt thou trample under feet.

¹⁴ Because he hath set his love upon me, therefore will I deliver him: I will set him on high, because he hath known my name.

¹⁵ He shall call upon me, and I will answer him: I will be with him in trouble; I will deliver him, and honour him.

¹⁶ With long life will I satisfy him, and shew him my salvation.

WHERE DOES THE RATTLER COME FROM? HOW DOES THE FEAR INSIDIOUSLY DOMINATE ME?