11/11/16

Dear Hearts,

I don’t have to go anywhere for like 24 hours.

I am thrilled. I am skipping dinner at Aunt Faerie’s and just staying home. I feel guilty about G-Pa driving there alone in the dark. But, I’m still not going.

Last night around 10 p.m., I started in with an episode. The idea of taking G-Pa to the two Veterans’ Day Events just seemed overwhelming. I am such a pussy.

G-Pa is almost 96. He was to a Veterans’ Breakfast at the high school at 7 a.m.! Peter, a family friend, went with him. Thanks be to God! That’s fucking early!

I took him to…

(G-Pa just got home from his Friday afternoon usual with Dr. Swede. And, he brought me an iced-coffee. The Iced Coffee from The Covered Bridge is the best iced-coffee EVER!)

I took G-Pa to the park this morning for a Veterans’ Service. We were supposed to go to St. Matthew’s Elementary School at one p.m. for an assembly the kids were putting on. I decided to take a small nap—thinking I’d wake up in the hour I had before go time. But, when I woke up and looked at my watch it was one p.m.!

So I high-tailed it to St. Matthew’s and found an empty seat beside G-Pa. He

said he didn’t have the heart to wake me, because I was sleeping so good. I was too. A Barbie pillow and Gram’s afghan. Wonderful sleep. I digress. I saw most of the assembly with him.

It seemed to mean a lot to him that I had come.  He said so twice anyway.

He is almost 96 and he can do four different events in one day and I can’t even stay awake the whole day.

But, shhhh. I am carrying around Hummer’s worth of distress, uncertainty, and fear deep inside me in the dark. Shhhh. We don’t want to wake the demons up.

No, this isn’t an excuse. I’m still a pussy.

After he left with Dr. Swede, I changed into clean (not worn outside the house) clothes and had one of my three o’clock lunches: 12 Triscuits, a banana, a yogurt smoothie, and two little peppermint patties. I watched a silly show on Netflix and just sat. Actually, I put in laundry and started the dishwasher. Oooooh, how taxing.

This was my week:

Sunday: Aunt Faerie at 2.30 p.m. at The Bakery for a chit-chat and a walk—and the best every pumpkin cinnamon bun roll thing ever!

Monday: Burning Bed three hours. Walmart. Aunt Faerie’s for dinner

Tuesday: Burning Bed for a few hours. Then tea with Ingrid and her friends. Dinner at Aunt Faerie’s.

ELECTION NIGHT

Wednesday: Meeting with Dr. Swede to discuss theology. Then, therapy.

Thursday: Pie day including a long drive in the country. Peter joined us and almost unleashed Aunt Faerie’s deeply hidden and controlled rage by talking Trump. She paid a high price for tea that day. Dinner at Aunt Faerie’s House.

Today: 10:30 Veterans’ Service. One p.m. St Matthew’s.

Last night I’d had it. Yeah, because my week was so taxing.

What the fuck is wrong with me? Why does daily life—NOT EVEN WORK—exhaust me? How did I ever work at Caroline’s this summer?

Martha, my therapist, says it’s because I haven’t socialized this much in a long time. And, this summer, I hadn’t “officially” moved here.

I have managed to shove X way down in the psyche.

SNAP OUT IT! YOU STUPID BITCH!

I’m trying. I am trying to do all the right things. As usual. Because doing the right things has worked out so well for me in the past.

I have been drawing a lot more. I find that I don’t totally suck at it and I enjoy it. Oh, don’t worry! It’s not pure joy! Guilt and self-doubt is absolutely mixed in there! Phew.

“We are meant to be here. We step from one piece of holy ground to the next under starts that ask imagine for one second, you could drop in on a past life. What would you like to find yourself doing there? What would charm you…make you proud? Ask yourself that and the question of what to do in this life becomes so simple, it’s terrifying. Just do that thing that would charm you that would make you say, yes, this is the real me. Do that and you’re alive.” Millennium

I used to think I knew what that was. England. Writing. Marriage.

I don’t even have a mustard seed of an idea. I’ve been on disability two years. Yeah, I’m so proud of myself. I failed myself. And God.

Smoke ‘em if ya’ got ‘em. God Bless

In the name of The Father, Son, and Holy Spirit; Mother Mary, Saint Brigid; Saint Jude; Saint Therese Lisieux; Saint Peter; Archangel Michael, and my Guardian Angel, Jed.

PS: To G-Pa and all those who have given to our country by serving in the military, I am deeply and profoundly grateful. Veterans are heroes (CAUGHT OR NOT).

I can sit here writing this anonymous blog because some pompous idealistic Founding Fathers created These United States of America. People can demonstrate against the president-elect because of our constitution.

America is the Greatest Country because we are FREE and based on a Government By The People, For The People, Of The People.

A Grateful Nation.

PS: It just dawned on me. At home, I had three choices: death, hospital, or come here. I guess I can't expect a lost cause...