Nebraska

Dear Hearts,

I have been wondering why the country—specifically the West is referred to as God’s Country. I mean isn’t like everywhere God’s country.

I am on a 55,000-acre ranch in Nebraska. I have seen a herd of Buffalo. “Lords of the Plain.” I have ridden along with my dad and Rancher to see how Rancher herds the heifers and feeds them.

I have looked out at the land around me and seen untouched prairie and pasture. This land looked the same 500 years ago as it does now. That’s why it’s God’s Country. It’s unchanged by Man.

And you feel so free. You could run for miles through the grass and scream and shout and no one would hear you. It’s you and you and God.

I am so grateful that I came on this trip with Dad. I have really enjoyed just being away from—Real Life. The Life in which I have responsibilities and expectations.

Part of me wants to ask Rancher if I can stay on here and be a “ranch hand.” Rancher loves what he does. It is his life. But, I think you have to be born into this life. J.'s, oldest daughter at 22, is married. She got married on the ranch and rode to the wedding party on her horse. She’s so young. I didn’t think she was old enough to be married.

Gaia and Johnny have made jokes about me meeting someone. They overestimate my value or capacity. I cannot think about being with another man. Who would want me? And, why would I want to go through all the heartbreak, loss, and sorrow. I don’t trust myself to meet a “good man.”

I honestly can’t see beyond tomorrow. I know that Dad/Mom and I have to have the talk about my benefits being cut in half in December and my house. But, I don’t want to have an episode. I am on vacation.

Even though I am in a very, very sparse—and suspect—not very clean bunk house—I’m good with that. Dad and I are hunkered down in one large bedroom with two space heaters because there is not electric heat—although there is Wi-Fi. Go figure.

Rancher lives his life on God’s terms. They know they can’t control the weather or their surroundings and they don’t try. Yeah, sure they plan and take care of business, but they don’t get a day off. Rancher doesn’t get a day off. His 22-year-old recently married daughter lives on the ranch and works it with her father. Mrs. Rancher takes care of the house and works on the ranch too.

The Rancher doesn’t find joy in Starbucks, malls, shopping, or the latest iPhone. He finds joy in a successful calving season, working alongside his children, being with his horses. That’s what he loves the most—being on his horse all day.

I’m not romanticizing the ranching life. It’s fucking hard. I think that being a rancher is something you have to be born into. The one room school house his grandfather attended sits amid his cattle grazing pastures. Yeah, Amazon delivers. But you have to be more self sufficient out here. No one is going to come and rescue you. Without family, animals, and Faith life would be impossible and lonely.

But, I guess that’s anywhere.

Less distractions. There are less distractions out here. The mundane world that our society has worked so hard to create is absent. Out here, the Truth stares you in the face every day. They don’t work to get stuff or go places. They work to survive and keep their ranches (some of which have been in the family for generations) going. They are not impressed with Calvin Klein jeans and a Birken bag. They live with Nature and God.

My advent message today from Dynamic Catholic was “to dream big, what you want for Christmas (not stuff), and re-capturing the childhood wonder of Christmas Morning. DC asked the question, “What do you want out of advent and life?”

I don’t know. I just don’t know.

I want Dad to get a Buffalo.

I want to either really live again or give it up. This whole in-between purgatory thing sucks moose cock.

I just want to run at full tilt through the fields and let my Soul cry out.

God, I’m listening.

Smoke ‘em if ya’ got ‘em. God Bless

In the name of The Father, Son, and Holy Spirit; Mother Mary, Saint Brigid; Saint Jude; Saint Therese Lisieux; Saint Peter; Archangel Michael, and my Guardian Angel, Jed.

PS: Thank you, Lord, for all my Blessings. I prostrate myself before Thee.

PPS: I am not looking forward to Christmas at all. I wish I felt differently.

PPPS: What is my point in being here? Seriously. I want to know. I just want to find my place. I am sure Rancher family doesn't have it all figured out. But, their kids probably won't end up on disability.