Dear Hearts,
I got about twenty minutes.
I took an hour walk rather than starting to blog. The walk was good for me.
Here’s the deal: I am being installed tonight in Star as Adah. She sacrificed herself to save her father’s honor and life. Fidelity and Family. She is the “lowest” point of the star. In other words, I am working my way up.
My dad is here! He and mom decided even though he wasn’t buffalo hunting until the end of the month, he would come out early for my installation. He’s never missed a Rainbow or Star installation. This is my first installation and having my dad here is awesome. When he pulled up in his big-ass--and I do mean big-ass--truck yesterday I climbed up into the cab and sat on his lap hugging him.
I think Martha is right.
He is the love of my life. Even if he does keep the TV on way too loud. And only wears his upper teeth for “company.” He doesn’t wear them all the time, so he lisps with them in. It’th funny! He is singing along to some old TV show. Badly. He sings badly. “Get on home, Cindy, Cindy…I’ll marry you sometime…”
We do have a special connection—we always have for better or worse. I am his little girl.
G-Pa is going with us tonight so he has some idea of what the hell I do when I leave the house dressed in a wedding gown for Star.
We are going to eat out a great restaurant before the installation. I should be thrilled and looking forward to this evening.
But, I just don’t feel…anything. I don’t feel excited or particularly happy. I ought. I want. But I don’t. That’s the worse thing about depression: the scrim between you and the world.
I am not doing or working toward anything—I’m aimless. That’s how I feel. I have no purpose. Just stay alive. And wait for the next crisis—my union benefits to stop in December. After that I cannot support myself. Period.
I am really not pitying myself. I just know I am not the only one who feels like this. I want YOU to understand how depression is so much more than just being sad. The light is in a constant brown-out.
Right now, I am going to make myself some coffee and have a cigarette—or maybe two! Then get dressed in a beautiful wedding gown (that T. said he’d marry me in). It’s perfect for Star. I will wear a shawl my Gram made. I will try to be in the moment. I will try to tear through the scrim if for just tonight. And relish the Blessings I know God’s given me.
John Wayne. Dad’s listening to a John Wayne movie. I can hear JW.
Daddy keeps me safe and takes care of me. He loves me and says he’s proud of me. I think that actually believes that too. Although there is no reason to be proud of me. I wish I were ten and laying my head on his chest while watching TV in his room.
Note: In depression, I have felt indifference about everything—even being alive. I have experienced a loss of joy—but I have not lost joy in my American Spirit Full Body Original Cigarettes. For 20 years, they have been my best friend. They never let me down, got angry with me, rejected me, or left me and I have returned the loyalty. That’s something I guess.
Smoke ‘em if ya’ got ‘em. God Bless
In the name of The Father, Son, and Holy Spirit; Mother Mary, Saint Brigid; Saint Jude; Saint Therese Lisieux; Saint Peter; Archangel Michael, and my Guardian Angel, Jed.
PS: God, I’m sorry I am not more worthy and enjoying—I am appreciative—of my Blessings. I’m just sorry.
PPS: Walking with you, Mommy, made me feel better. “Blow the stink off my bod,” as Dad says.
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