Be Still...

Dear Hearts,

Tuesday night—my installation as Adah in Star was wonderful. All I hoped it would be, with Dad smiling that smile from the sidelines. I think the night was too much for G-Pa, but at least he has some idea of what goes on at Star. The sword and veil. Adah was not afraid to look at destiny directly.

And, the best chocolate cake EVER! OMG! We ate at The Attic—one of my favorite restaurants. I got chocolate cake to take home—best ever! Orgiastic. I can still taste it and feel it on my tongue.

So even though I felt indifference and then total anxiety up to the event—I tried to enjoy each moment for what it was.

I was supposed to have written a proper post tonight. But, I drew instead.

“Be Still And Know That I Am God.” Psalm 46:10

I skipped going to Aunt Faerie’s for dinner. I just stayed home and drew. I was being STILL. (I am not gonna add that I still suck at drawing and it’s probably a total waste of time).

I also had a pretty bad episode today and kinda ruined Pie Day at The Covered Bridge. But, I still have coffee cream pie for tonight. Mmmmm.

I was never a foodie person—but since—THANKS BE TO GOD—my UC went into remission, I am thankful every day for the yummy things I get to eat.

I love Daddy. I do. So very much. But I need quiet time. Me time. That’s why I didn’t go to dinner tonight. And, now I am gonna eat the dinner Aunt Faerie sent home while watching The Black List in my room.

It’s hard to communication with G-Pa sometimes and that’s frustrating. He’s so deaf. And, he is slipping. You just have to repeat things over and over. Mom says it’s okay to be frustrated. I never show that frustration to him. EVER! But, it’s okay to feel it.

And, I wish Daddy would stop saying,

“Man, I could never live here. I don’t know how you do it. I could never live in this town. I’d go crazy..."

"Dad, I live here."

I know you but you’re different.”

That does not make me feel good. I never thought I could live here either. But, now I am and I am not regretting it.

I came here because it is the only place I won’t kill myself. Although those thoughts are much rarer now. 

I am trying to make Life, not a life, just Life, for myself. Rejoin the Living.

We leave for the Buffalo Hunt next Friday. It will be good. I am looking forward to it? The anxiety will kick in a few days before. Travel anxiety. Sigh.

Will I ever re-connect with the Living truly?

Smoke ‘em if ya’ got ‘em. God Bless

In the name of The Father, Son, and Holy Spirit; Mother Mary, Saint Brigid; Saint Jude; Saint Therese Lisieux; Saint Peter; Archangel Michael, and my Guardian Angel, Jed.

PS: Thanks for the feather, Saint Therese.